drops of jupiter

One supplement down, five (or six) more to go!! This is the final stretch of the year. My last Christmas break as a high school-er. I have one week to finish my college apps. Eight more days until Christmas. Nine more days until retreat. Let's go!

mr.brightside

-warning- this is a nonsensical rant-

People are so terrible sometimes. I hate dealing with unnecessary burdens and stress brought upon me by irate friends who are so naive that they see nothing but themselves. Don't they realize that theres a much bigger picture looming right above them? Some of them are just so selfish and manipulative, and theyre just so blatantly blind to their faults that the rest of us see so clearly. Especially with college deadlines so nearby and all, I feel like we're all a pack of nervous, ravaged hounds. Gross. People need to calm down and learn to be happy. I can't even post this on tumblr because this literally applies to a good quarter of the people who follow me/post on my dashboard on a regular basis. So self absorbed. ITS REPULSIVE.

i adore you

The universe is at your feet
Gives you praise evermore
The stars will light the sky for you
And always, God we praise

king of anything

Time is flying by at the speed of light. Of course, I want the college application process to be done and over with, but I still feel a tinge of sadness whenever I think about the future. As excited as I am for college, I want to put senior year on repeat for a little while. I'm not ready to leave everything behind yet. There are too many people that I've just started becoming close with, too many places that I still haven't had the chance to visit, too many things left to do. I'm not ready to step out of this comfort zone yet. I want to stretch out the next eight months of my life to last a long, long, time.

rumor has it

Oh dear.. I'm growing lazy with blogging, time to start writing again!!

Anyways, today a bunch of us went to the Occupy Wall Street rally after school. im too tired to write about it now so i will finish this later :)

wanderlust

My heart is literally aching to go travel. I need to get out of here! Like right now!

bruised

things that i want at the moment in chronological order (excluding good grades and other necessary evils):

1. the sea. the sound of the waves. the sand beneath my feet. the cold water on my skin.
2. a gorgeous sunset
3. the hunger games series
4. stars
5. vanilla chai
6. a furry blanket
7. people to reply back to me

be my escape

why georgia

Tea season is in high swing.
Chai tea, green tea, earl grey, lavender, random korean teas, errthang out there.
It's getting cold, and my hands and heart are in need of some warmth.
There's nothing better in this weather than snuggling up in bed with a great book and a nice steaming cup of tea.
:)

hold on

I had a pretty filled weekend :)
On Friday, I didn't go to YH because I had to "prepare" for the ACTs.. ha.. ha.. I didn't even have a prep book. I think it was the first time I ever winged a standardized test like that. It was so weird, and I had such a mean proctor too. She almost didnt let me in because my ID picture apparently didnt resemble me, and when I told her that my watch beeped once an hour, she flipped out on me. I was lucky I didn't get kicked out of the exam. Anyways, Sharon and I met up with Paul, Changmin, Lawrence, Eddie, and Yongmin after, and after we ate 칼국수 @ 아리랑, we headed off to the new Uniqlo on 34th. I ended up not buying anything, but we had a lot of fun, and we just ended up eating a lot (woorijip and red mango yesssss). We took the LIRR back home and walked in almost an hour late for the second night of YH, which was a blessing, as expected. On Sunday, I had so much crap to do for the pep rally/hall decorating, so I didn't hang out much after service and went shopping at Party City and Michael's with my parents. Speaking of which, neither of the two events turned out to be legendary HAHAHHA :) They were both fantastic in their own ways though, with all the disorganization of volleyball and the brief, hectic grade unity that always comes with hall decorating each year. I still think red is a stinky color, but what can do we about it now! Anyways, I'm going to go study for my math test that I am going to fail tomorrow. yesssssssssssss

hold my heart

I didn't go to school today.. because I got sick while studying for my sociology midterm last night HAHAHHAHA. Wow I'm so pathetic. I still had to go in for an hour or so to take my exam though, which I'm pretty sure that I did well on. I got a ride home from Karen's boyfriend, and after waddling around the house for a bit, I felt really dizzy and just out of it, so I laid down on my moms lap and ended up falling asleep there on the coach for a good three hours. So much for having a productive day :(. Its already 720, and I'm about start my humanities journal and make up three AP Humangeo homeworks.. yes... :).

im being the biggest hypocrite for saying this

BUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DONT RESPOND TO TEXTS. ESPECIALLY PEOPLE THAT I ENJOY TEXTING WITH.

by your side

Today was PSAT day, which (for most seniors) meant a nice and short schedule. However, because Ms. Fig is a big butt and a triceratops, I had physical conditioning at 7:20 in the morning. To top it off, we had a scrim against Bryant at 4, so I essentially spent my entire day in school. I was kind of cranky, but my day was made when a bunch of seniors randomly went out to play volleyball and football on the QC quad. Literally, it was just like.. 30 people from all different groups of friends just standing out there in the drizzling rain laughing and running around trying to chase the volleyball. Cuteeeeeeee! I hope we have days like these more often.

misery

Get the hell out of here. Seriously.

like an avalanche

10/9/2011:
What a beautiful day, I really haven't felt like this in a while. Sports Day was a complete and utter success (all glory to God, seriously. He did some crazy magic there), and I feel like the three ministries were really able to join together and share fellowship as one. We also played volleyball for a while afterward, and it was just.. wow. It's been so long since we've played with the net at church, and I think it's safe to conclude that we all had incredible time. Every second, adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and with lots of people there in the gym just watching/playing/standing around, I felt like we were all just having a great time together as one ministry under God. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. You never fail.

oceans will part

Everything you feel from this world is but temporary, but the Father's love is the only thing that proves to be eternal.

for the first time

I am so happy right now, and I feel like I havent felt this.. euphoric in a while, but at the same time I'm being bludgeoned down by all these terrible feelings of guilt. What am I supposed to do.

wake me up when september ends

Today marks the last September that I'll ever spend as a highschooler. Ah.

vanilla twilight

I want to soak up the sun and bask in all of its glorious light.
I want to dance with the rain and bathe in its infinite drops of cleansing flow.
I want to rest with the sweet grass and breathe in its calming scent.
I want to drink the fresh air and embrace it's reassuring whispers.
I want to be one with the sea and listen to it's never ending lullaby.
I want to caress the clouds and take naps in their wispy hugs.
I want to frolic amongst the flowers and muse at their observances.
I want to kiss the stars and make a million wishes upon them.
I would like to be somewhere closer to all of nature and it's innate beauty.

pleaaaaaaase

lightning

Today was such an incredibly tiring day. I must've been suffering from like a post-college trip hangover (not a literal hangover) or something because I was just wiped out in all my three classes hahah and I skipped sociology again ah. I really want to relive (most of) the past three days again. I haven't felt that way in a while.. Even so, I'm so grateful God gave me the replenishment I needed, right when I needed it. Thank you JESUS :).

We also had our first game against Cardozo on this beautiful day. We lost, as expected, but I think we put up a decent fight? I don't know :p. I've been writing my humanities paper for the past three hours and my brain is literally fried. I cannot wait for this week to be over. Please.. :).

skyscraper

THE COLLEGE TOUR TRIP WAS AMAZING. It was beautiful, majestic, and just what I needed. Although I was nervous about being with a whole different group of people, I adapted very nicely I think, and it was just a great experience overall. The landscape in upstate New York is one that leaves me at a loss for words, and I just felt so serene and at peace the entire time. ahhh ah ahhhhhh it was just.. great. :)

alea iacta est

In approximately 8 hours, I will be boarding on the bus to go to the college tour trip. Although none of my close friends are going, I'm reallllllly excited. Like really really excited! I've been wanting to get away forever, and finally- the day has come!

memory keeper

You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains.
You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines.
You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows.
This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too.

- William Shakespeare

songs that i currently cannot stop listening to

The scientist- Coldplay
For the first time- The Script
Yellow- Coldplay
We never change- Coldplay
Slow dancing in a burning room- John Mayer
Daughters- John Mayer
Should've said no- Taylor Swift
Someone like you- Adele
Last Kiss- Taylor Swift
Untouchable- Taylor Swift
Fix you- Coldplay
Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
Tim Mcgraw- Taylor Swift
You're not sorry- Taylor Swift
You and I both- Jason Mraz
Who am I to say- Hope
Dark blue- Jack's Mannequin
Bruised- Jack's Mannequin

cold as you

I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL COLLEGE APPS / SATS / ACTS are over. Sweet Jesus.. please...

we never change

10 Things that I learned today:
1. Next time I get a chai latte at Starbucks, I'm going to ask them to add one shot of vanilla to it.
2. Dr. Steinman is not really as nice as everyone makes her out to be. I'd prefer Ms. Fee over her anyday.
3. I have a weird feeling that even though right now I am burning with intense dislike for her, Ms. Fig and I will one day be friends.
4. Do all my assignments the day BEFORE they're due.
5. To stop pulling out my phone in the middle of the hallway, even if it's on the third floor. I had to cry my way out of getting it taken away today.
6. PMS is bad! Very bad! Ignore it and move on with life. Do not let it get to you, ever.
7. Have more confidence when playing vball with people who aren't on my team. Killer hits and smooth digs aren't useful when you can't do it in actual games.
8. I'm really behind on studying for my SAT IIs and ACTs. WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPP damn it!
9. To refrain from having too much faith in anyone. People disappoint more often than not. Better to expect the worst and hope for the best than to just receive constant let downs.
10. That when it comes down to the nitty gritty, all I really want for is to others to be truly happy.

half of my heart

A long.. overdue entry on the last few days..

9/8-12/11: First day of school! Life as a senior is great. It's pretty chill, and although I've been running around like a maniac trying to fix my schedule and ask teachers for recs. I managed to add precalc to my list of classes (Lord help me) and I'm currently in the process of trying to drop yearbook for AP human geography- once again, Lord help me! My new guidance counselor, Ms. Plesnik, is really helpful, and once again, Ms. Fee has become my go-to lady for everything. Jesus. I'm going to write another post for her soon. She deserves one all for herself :). Anyways, I have a nice amount of frees, and starting tomorrow, I'm going to try to make the best out of them!

I also tried out for the varsity volleyball team after two years, and guesssss who made it heheheh. I was so worried at first because we had a new coach, but I guess it turned out for the better because everyone got to start off on a clean slate. He's a pretty good coach, and I think I've really learned a lot over the past few days. I'm gonna be an outside hitter for the team (dont laugh) and I'm pretttttttty excited :)!!!!!! My appetites been fjldjfdl huge though.. oh well :D

9/11/2001

"and so as long as we live, they too, shall live, as long as we remember them."

covers

The Lord was really trying my patience today hahaha. I'm too lazy to retell my story (again) so I'm just going to list things in order.
- woke up to go to school
- dad called and said that he'd take me
- dad ran late and had to call the cab
- freaking taxi driver took me to qcc by accident
- i got lost in the building and was 30 minutes late to class
- the lecture hall was packed so i just skipped class to save myself from public humiliation
- decided to go make a new QC ID card
- ended up walking around campus for another 45 minutes after being sent from place to place
- finally got to QC library, realized that i didn't have any identification on me
- had to beg the guy to let me in but he said that i couldnt go back in once i left
- was virtually trapped in there for two+ hours
- met up with ivy for vball tryouts
- coach didnt let me tryout without my medical
- went to the doctors with appa and paid $80 for a freaking medical
- came home and realized how screwed i was for my sat IIs

Sigh. The only good thing that came out of this day was that I made mandoo with Glenn and ate them! :)

clocks

So, today was quite an interesting day, I suppose :). I dont know if it was the weather or something (yeah, probably) but out of nowhere, all these kids who were supposed to hang out with us today suddenly had plans, or were too tired or sick.. basically, we were supposed to go to coney island, and everyone was really excited, but due to the weather, we decided to go to brooklyn tabernacle instead, and.. wahlah. everyone bailed hahaha.. typical. Anyways, it ended up being just me, Ivy, Paul, Katie, Lawrence, Danica, and Eddie. Cute group, huh :). We ate at halmuhnee jip, then we were going to go to btab, but the weather as just awful and everyone started having second thoughts about going. We ended up going to Chuck E Cheese, out of all places, and spent a good two hours there hahaha. After, we went to Target and ate ice cream at the Hershey's snack corner there! It would've been nice to have been able to go to coney and watch the sunset, but hey, it was better than nothing!

read my mind

Labor day is one of the most depressing holidays of the year, I think. Although it does come with it's fair share of perks (people returning from college, huge shopping discounts, etc), it also marks the "official" end of summer. This year, I was supposed to go to a huge BBQ with townsend kids at Andrew's house, but my parents wanted to spend some more quality time so I had to stay with them. We had originally planned on going to Jersey, but we chose to go shopping in Long Island instead. We ate at 중국집 for lunch and headed off to Tanger Outlets. Maybe it was cause I already with on Saturday, but it just wasn't that great, and we left early to head off to Roosevelt Field mall. Surprisingly, I wasn't able to find anything that I liked there either- ACTUALLY.. I probably could've gotten some shopping done if Glenn didnt whine like a baby and drag me from store to store :(. Anyways, I returned home emptyhanded like the pathetic kid that I am, and although I promised myself that I would get some actual work done, I ended up watching Tangled and the season premiere of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Day well spent? I think so! :p

the story of us

Two months. Let's see how this goes.

bubbly

I spent some nice quality time with appa today on a shopping trip to the Arches at Tanger Outlets. IT WAS GREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT. Retail therapy will never ever fail me :).

someone like you

I had a greeeeeeeeat day with Ivy today :). If only all of summer was like this! ah...

goodbyes

Goodbyes.. I've experienced quite a few goodbyes throughout the past few weeks/days. For one, today was my last day at work. It was bittersweet, and I would've cried probably, save for the fact that I have complete faith and trust in my replacement :). Seriously though, right before I told the parents that I was going to quit, I prayed that Kevin and Eugene would be blessed with a babysitter who could do much better than I did, someone who could truly love them and have compassion for them. Just a day later, I found someone who wanted to do it, and surprisingly, she told me she felt "called" to the job. How crazy is that :).

I've also been sharing goodbyes with many of my friends who are heading off to college, both as freshmen and as returning students. It's always a little painful to say bye to them, but all the more so with this bunch of kids, as most of them are friends that I hold dearly to my heart..

I dont know if this would count as a "goodbye", but I recently decided to kind of cut off/fade a certain number of people out of my life. Not to spite them or anything, its just that they've all been detriments to me for the most part, and befriending them hasnt benefited me in any way. My previous statement sounds pretty selfish, but honestly at this point in my life, if you're just dragging me down from myself/others/God, you're just.. not necessary. Adios!

And last but not least.. summer. Today was the first day of September. Although it's not officially over yet, it's practically gone. So long summer '11, thanks for giving me some much needed rest. If you can, ask '12 to cut me some slack and let me have some more fun, okay? Thanks :)!

last resort

IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO BE IN MY LIFE, I REFUSE TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. I am so so so so so so sick of trying to hold onto people that I genuinely like when they obviously don't share the same feelings for me. Jesus christ, I'm done wasting time on all of you and your fleeting, shallow friendships. Thanks for using me to get to know others than throwing me away when you realize that I'm of no more worth to you. BOOOOOO I have much better people out there to invest in. Your loss :(

irene

Wow..The past two days have been pretty crazy. Hurricane Irene is set to hit within the next 12 hours as a Category 1 or 2 storm, and the entire East Coast is at wit's end. Starting from yesterday, people have been taking multiple precautions- storing food and water, filling up cars with gas, even evacuating from their homes. As per usual, social networks are being flooded with (mostly) sarcastic and very descriptive remarks about Irene, mostly from young folks my age. The new channels have been blaring out nothing except for news of the hurricane, which is currently making its way through North Carolina. Up until now, I took the news lightheartedly, joking about finding shelter at church and potentially studying when the electricity was shut off, but I think going out with my parents just now made me realize the severity of the situation. The city looks like a zombie apocalypse is approaching; gas stations and supermarkets are crowded with last minute shoppers, most stores are closed, and windows everywhere are boarded up with wood and tape. The highways are near empty, and I saw a line forming at a nearby Redbox as people stocked up on movies to watch for the next night, day, whatever. It was quite a sight. Oh yeah, not to mention, the MTA shut down all subway and bus service as of 12 noon today. How crazy is that? The MTA never shuts down service. So yeah, basically, all of New York City (and the rest of the EC) is at home right now, announcing through facebook statuses that they're ready to brace Irene. I hope things turn out for the best!!

remember me

today my life begins

A brief run through on what happened throughout the past few days:

8/20/11: What a weird/crazy/amazing night:) Sleepover with grace and sharon! and kind of with esti HAHAHHA.
8/21/11: I actually skipped small group (not on purpose! i lost track of time :(..) and went out to Dunkin Donuts with Isaiah and Jun! It was the first time that I saw Isaiah since like.. December, and it was pretty fun :). We just caught up for an hour and exchanged cell phone charms. I felt really terrible when I returned to church though, because apparently loads of people noticed that I suddenly disappeared during small group time (I was at church before it started) and were asking where I was. I felt especially sorry towards Sarah teacher, but I apologized to her later on! Anyways, after service, I said goodbye to the Ecclesia bound kids, then Sharon and I went to eat suhlungtang with my parents and some other people. They went to Paris Baguette after, so I shared a patbingsoo with Sharon and she ended up coming over to my house. The funny thing is, we both knocked out on my bed for a good 30 minutes cause we were so tired from the night before. Hahahah we're cute! 8)
8/22/11: Went to work. Told my kid's parents that I was going to quit -i did it on really short notice cause I was too scared to call them- and I felt pretty bad about that too but it was okay. Having a job this summer taught me so much, and although it was kind of a pain in the butt sometimes, I don't regret one second of it, and I was at peace knowing that I was able to give my parents $800 and still have some money leftover for me to spend. Working isn't easy, but you reap what you sow! Anyways, I'm going to miss Kevin and Eugene a lot :(. I grew really attached to them during this summer, and although I won't see them after this/next week, I'm going to make sure to continue keeping the little monsters in my prayers.

--------------------------

Yesterday, I went up to visit Ecclesia with Andrew, Sharon, Danica, and Justin. The ride up there was relatively short, although we had some trouble meeting up cause THERE WAS A FREAKING EARTHQUAKE IN VIRGINIA THAT WAS FELT IN NEW YORK hahah but it all worked out in the end. We got to Ecclesia around dinner time, and as soon as I stepped into Mount Alvernia, I was overwhelmed with the sweet, sweet, nostalgia that fills me everytime I go up there for Ecclesia. Honestly, things were kind of different because I was a visitor, and it was kind of weird to just spectate and not be in the midst of all the action and work. However, I realized a little later though that it was in God's will to bring me to E11 as simply a visitor, and that my sole job during my two days was to simply pray for the candidates. I was so blessed through all that went on, and I absolutely cannot wait to serve at the next Ecclesia!!

breakeven

Right now, it is exactly 12:20 am on Saturday, the 20th of August, and I think that just I have reached a new found (and much needed, damn) revelation. For almost the past 11 months, I've basically been reveling in my own misery, with occasional, fleeting bouts of happiness. Explicitly explaining my story would take a lifetime, but I can honestly say that I went through some of the most harrowing, difficult months of my life during this period. Every once in a while, I'd fall out of my pitiful stupor and try to turn things around, only to slip back into my old ways. Even as I write this, I am bitter, angry, and hurt, but I've come to realize that staying like this isn't going to help. I always tell people "theres no use crying over spilled milk", but I never seemed to follow after that saying myself. Anyways, I'm growing sick of my old routines. I'm growing sick of crying my eyes out every Friday and Sunday. I'm sick of sitting there in service, wanting to be anywhere but. I'm sick of running through a neverending slideshow of "what ifs" and other scenarios in my mind. I'm sick of being miserable like I'm paid to be that way. I'm sick of always questioning, both myself and others. I'm sick of smiling and laughing in front of others to hide my vulnerable side, to deceive them into thinking that I was fine. I need change. And starting from now, I'm going to make a promise to myself, to pick myself out of this black hole that I've been consumed in. From now on, I'm not going to let my past haunt me, I'm not going to let it destroy me. Instead, I'm going to let experience become my teacher, and I'm going to change- for the better.

술이야

I've been trying to delete all personal details of my life from the internet (with the exception of this blog.) From now on, if you'd like to know me, please approach me personally. I'm done with faking everything and busying myself with useless facades.

music

Today I visited Jiyoon during her last lunch break at Itempool for the summer! It was nice :).

breathe

Ah.. I recently found out that I start QC classes/Humanities starting from Aug 29, on mondays-thursdays. That means that my summer basically ends in a week. I don't know what to make of it, I guess I'll just try to enjoy the next 10 days or so to the fullest.

Anyways, I've been having a pretty relaxing week. On Monday, I stayed home during the day with my mom and worked just worked on some college stuff. I was going to spend the night at home as well, but Daphne called me to come out because Grace Na was sleeping over at her house. It was a pleasant surprise, and I ended up staying out with them till around 12 :).

Yesterday was similar. I stayed home until like.. 5, when I went out to meet up with Donna, Jun, and Isaiah. We ate naengmyun at Sansoogapsan, then went to watch Crazy, Stupid Love at Multiplex. I have to say, I think it's making its way towards my list of favorite movies hehe :). After, we spontaneously decided to go to Flower NRB and spent another two hours or so there. Once again, I ended up coming home past 12, but my mom was pretty chill about it, surprisingly.

And now.. I'm just sitting at home. Thinking.

vanilla chai tea

Today was such an off day. It wasn't like one specific thing was bothering but rather a culmination of a million little stupid things. To put it shortly, I felt like a massive pile of shit. Hopefully the coming days will be better!

if

I had a beautiful time today with Sophia, Lois, Jane, Christina, and Sharon. Love them :).

black hole sun

I wish people would stop asking me why I don't smile as often now. I wish people would understand that my ever-present mask is starting to wear off, and what they are seeing is not a sad or upset Gina, but just the side of me that I chose not to publicly show.

all the right moves

Okay. So my journal thing for the vacation didnt work out UGHHHH why am I so lazy! I'm going to write a whole new picture post on that so I'll save that for.. some other time. Anyways, I should blog about what I did for the past week..

7/21-8/3: VACATION :) :)!!!!!

8/4: After resting in the morning/afternoon, I decided to go out and eat dinner with Andrew teacher and some of the guys (alex, moses and paul). Paul and I met up earlier to catch up on some stuff, then we went to go eat gyros with the rest of the crew. It was very very delicious and a night spent well indeed!!

8/5: On Friday, I went to the dentist (by myself!) then met up with Sharon and Lois to go to FNA. Although we had a great service, I ended up getting into a fight with my mom because she didnt want me to go to the beach at 4am to reserves the gazebo for beach outing the next day. I really really wanted to go and watch the sunrise but I ended up giving in and ended a good day on a bad note :(.

8/6-8/7: ALASSSSSSSSSS! The real weekend! I went to our yearly PYM beach outing, and although a lot of kids were missing, we still had a great time and I spent the majority of the day floating around in the nice water and drinking gulps of wonderful sea water. After the outing, Esther, Eileen, and Grace "scooped" us up from church and we went off on our fun adventure/sleepover. We picked up some KungFu tea then drove to a diner called Gotham City in Jersey. It was in Ridgefield, i think! Anyways, we ate a late night dinner and went to a NRB in pal park? It was a crummy place called "Yahoo" and the service and atmosphere was terrible, but it was okay cause Eileen's beautiful voice made up for it hahaha. We ended up spending a good 1.5 hours~ in there, then picked up some monster/snacks and crashed at Esther's house for the night. We got into some nice discussions and debates about the church, Christianity, college, family, and other things, all topped with the usual girl talk :). A couple of the girls didn't sleep at all but I conked out at 5 and slept for an hour before waking up to go to church. Ah. I love those girls so much. One day I will write a huge long post dedicated just to them :)!! Anyways, church was pretty good, except small group was (again) unbearable, honestly I don't even know what to say about it. But PB returned, so service went swelllllll, and his sermon on pride really dug into the kids, you could definitely tell. Our grade was supposed to go nrbing after service, but as per usual, everyone bailed and we ended up just staying in the gym and bumming. After a few hours, the guys (once again) decided to go to the pcbang. I was going to go somewhere else with Ivy, but she insisted on going so I ended up following her. On our way to main, a older van driver from church saw us and dropped us off, what a sweetheart hehe. We ate in burger king with some of the girls, then went off to pc bang. It was kind of fun, but I dont think I'll be going there too much in the future.

8/8-8/9:

something more

In approximately 12 hours (11:00 am sunday morning) I will be heading off on a roadtrip with my family. This will be a very much needed vacation, away from New York and all it's terribly binding chains. Hopefully I'll be able to update periodically :) This will by my virtual journal throughout the trip, almost. Yay, excited!!

the remedy

Okay.. So I'm not one to rant on public domain, but I can't stand this any longer. I realize that I'm probably thinking from a very biased and selfish point of view, but I don't even care anymore. And I hate it when people-

you and i both

So.. Today is my parent's anniversary :)
It was nice to be enlightened after.. 17 years!

secrets

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess
Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said

violet hill

Today I had a terrible day at work. After, I went out to dinner with Ivy and her family to celebrate her birthday :). I felt very special and I even got tricked into eating frog legs, freaking gross. I cant believe I have frogs in my system haha but I had a good day.

Anyways, this is a post dedicated to all my friends. I have one universal message for them: You all are herbs :(.

awakening

I am happy to see you happy. It may not seem like it at the moment, as I am only human and I can't help but to be envious and a little confused. But really, I am. I've waited an eternity to see you reach this point. Please, stay like this :). Thank you, God.

rhythms of grace

I went to watch Harry Potter with Glenn today. I had originally planned to watch it with Lois and Donna, but I had a crazy dream about HP today and I was too hyped to wait for it :(. It was a little rushed, but awesome nonetheless, and concluded the series brilliantly. Glenn and I usually dont go out together often unless we're with our parents, so I particularly enjoyed this "date" with my brother :). I bought him a frapp at Starbucks and he bought us fries from Five Guys to eat during the movie. Afterwards, my parents picked us up and we went to go eat italian ices, nomonomnom!

Time to read Crazy Love by Francis Chan now! Whoohooo, I'm excited~

kiss the rain

Glad you weren't here yesterday.

le petit prince

Vous êtes belles, mais vous êtes vides.... On ne peut pas mourir pour vous.

------------

J'aime bien les couchers de soleil. Allons voir un coucher de soleil..

speak now

Ugh. What a weird day. I feel like I just got off of a twelve hour emotional roller coaster ricde. Donna's boss asked her to bring another friend to help her out in the showroom today so she asked me and I decided to go, even though I wasn't sure if I was getting paid or not (although I did, yay). I ended up working like a dog, running errands, and listening to some crazy lady get into fights with all of her coworkers. There were several times when I was very close to just walking out and leaving but I just clamped my mouth shut and worked even harder because I didnt want to look silly in front of a bunch of people that I didn't know. During our lunch break, Donna and I ate at woorijip and got Red Mango after, which made me a little happier. But I think the highlight of the day came when we went eye shopping in Herald Square before leaving for home. She and I went to Lush cosmetics store because I wanted to go inside and check out their homemade stuff, and we were a little intimidated at first cause everything was so freaking expensive and the store was really small. We were confused and kind of lost, but the employees there were absolutely wonderful, and this one girl in particular was an absolute darling. She was so so so so sweet and showed us around the entire store, explaining every single product and recommending what she thought would be best for us. We ended up each buying some facewash and face masks, and she even included generous samples of some of the other goods that we wanted to buy. Ah, I love meeting nice people like that :) I ended up taking the train home with Donna instead of the LIRR and we met Dan Ha, so the three of us just talked the entire way home. But then in main street a rather unfortunate situation occurred and now I'm sitting at home feeling like a massive pile of cowdung.

see you soon

Today was a brilliant day! MY love Ivy came back, and after church, she, sharon and I watched Horrible Bosses, which is a HILARIOUS movie. I literally almost peed in my pants laughing half the time. It was really crude humor but funny nonetheless. And on top of that, it was my first ever rated R movie haha yes, I am pretty damn pathetic. Afterwards, I went to open gym with sharon and ivy and played a little and just bummed for the most part. T'was a very pleasant day =).

dear john

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should've known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love and take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can’

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping the lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song, you should’ve known.

You should’ve known
Don’t you think I was too young
You should’ve known.

love me

Ah!! I HAVENT BLOGGED IN DAYS! I've been meaning to, really, it's just that I've been really tired, and.. lazy :(. Hm.. lets start from thursday!

I had another really terrible nightmare while I was asleep Wednesday night, and this one was by far one of the most frightening that I've ever had. Even recalling it in my writing sends chills down my back.. As usual, the dream skipped around a lot, and at one point I was at a really ghetto, classroom arcade and I was gloating over my 50 coin jackpot haha. Anyways, in the last part of my dream, I was walking with Angela Han on a 6 train subway platform/station. It wasn't your regular station though- it was a very chic, gothic looking one. All the tiles were made of black glass, and it was kind of elevated, like attached to the side of a building or something. I knew it was elevated because towards the left end, there was a gap where you could look down and see the 940349 stories under you. Apparently, the platform was a common suicide location, and since it was a dream, you know, it wasnt anything out of the ordinary. I would not see, but somehow feel that people near me were jumping off of that small crevice, and I could hear the thud of their bodies as it hit the pavement. So Angela and I were walking and talking, just ignoring everything around us, when I see a 30 something year old woman with curly blond hair, blue eyes, and crimson colored lips hanging off of the ledge. Her bag is next to her, and shes just kind of dangling there with her arms holding onto the tiles while her body is hanging down. She's about to kill herself, and out of nowhere, I feel very alarmed, like this woman is more important than the others or something. I try to reach out to her, but at that very instant, she sticks her tongue out at me, gives me a half smile, and drops. I hear her piercing scream as she falls, and the hard thud of her body as it hits the pavement a thousand feet below. I woke up from my nightmare scared crapless, and I had the hardest time falling asleep after, in fear that she might appear in my dream again. On my way to work a couple of hours later, I wrote a facebook status about it, and a LOT of people commented on it, reassuring me that everything would be okay and that they would pray for me. It was really unexpected, and I felt a little foolish for writing about something so private, but I realized that these people really cared, and that they were trying to help me. I haven't prayed at home in a while, but on Wednesday night, I prayed with a new found fervor, asking God to protect me from such vicious dreams. I dont know if this is me being delusional, but after praying in my bed, I felt a warm kind of peace envelop me as I fell asleep that night.

Low and behold, my prayers were answered, as I ended up having a very normal dream about getting my eyebrows threaded. I literally prayed as soon as I woke up, praising God for delivering me from such terrible things. I dont know if it was the prayer or what, but I felt pretty wonderful that entire day :) I went to work in a delightful mood, and the kids were being alright, even though it was a TKD day. They didnt whine as much, and after I dropped Kevin off, I took Eugene home, and although he must've been tired, he was being really cute and was being really talkative. Although I was on my phone the entire time and just answered him with bored "hmm .. really"s or "cool"s, he kept talking to me and was just being cute. He called my braces "those fossil things" and said that girls were "touchy" cause they always asked others how they looked hahaha.

Anyways, Friday was playdate day so I took the kids to the zoo. My feet were sore,the kids were being crazy and the sun was blazing down on my face but it was okay because it was payday HEHEHEH :). Anyways, after, I met up with Sharon and some of the minkwon kids at Red Mango in flushing. Ah. It was so awkward :(. Hopefully I'll get to know some of them better in the future. Sharon and I sprinted to the bus and made it to church at 730, although there wasnt really a prayer meeting to go :/. Pastor Stephen Jo spoke as our guest speaker, and I dont know about everyone else, but I thought he was so funny! I kept laughing out loud.. and I was the only one. Ugh, embarrassing! I think that he thought I was mocking him, but I genuinely liked his sermon, and I wish I had taken notes :(. For the past couple of weeks, I've been just bumming after FNA, but I played volleyball this week, and I am so damn glad that I did. Although it was for only 30 minutes or so, we played with a great group of people, and it was just really funny and blew off all the stress that I pent up this week. And to top things off, Aaron bought me a hoodie from UMich :)! Awesomeeeee.

Today, I was supposed to go to a BBQ or the beach, but both events got canceled so I ended up spending the day with my parents. I bought them (yes, I PAID :)!) Sizzlers for lunch, then we ran a few errands and I ended up getting a new Longchamp bag because my mom had some store credit that she desperately needed to spend. Afterwards, I went home and tried (and desperately failed) to learn calligraphy with the new pen and ink set that I bought. I just came home from exercising with my parents, and I actually ran two laps without stopping today! Whoohooooo. That's the equivalent of about 1.2 miles, finally making some progress after drowning in lazy mode after volleyball gym.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM SEEING MY LOVE IVY WONG FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SHE CAME BACK FROM MISSIONS. SHE, SHARON AND I ARE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE AFTER CHURCH! Yay :). I love her. So much! She will never read this, but to my dearest Ivy, I love you! Thank you for being in my life =).

Goodnight, world!

white horse

Ah! It feels like this week is moving all too slowly.. Although its technically thursday right now, I'm writing this at 12 in the morning so lets pretend that this is wednesday evening :). Anyways, work wasnt as bad as yesterday, the kids were definitely a lot less cranky and so was I. We just stayed at Eugenes house and did the usual: writing, worksheets, reading, lots of break time.. hehe.

wasteland

Wow.. I havent felt this pooped in a WHILE... Today was by far my most tiring day of work yet. It was just a culmination of a lot of little things. I missed my bus and picked up the kids late, got lectured at a bit for giving the kids too much break time, and to top it off, the kids were being extra bratty and whiny today. Not to mention, they were soooo off-focus. They couldn't even solve simple math questions that they usually finished in seconds. AND I worked like 40 minutes overtime because Eugenes parents asked me to drop him off at a friend's house. Ughhhhh annoying! >:( Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

all we are

We won't say our goodbyes you know its better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, all we are, is everything that's right
All we need all we need, a lover's alibi

First day of "summer work"!
$320 this week, yes.

Also.. I've been having really weird dreams as of late..
A couple of nights ago, I dreamed that our church got into a war and that Chris Song beheaded Jun Cho with a scissor. I was crying hysterically cause I thought that our grade was all turning on each other..
The next night, I dreamed that I was going out with a kid at church (who is strictly a friend) and that I had cancer. I had a surgery, and when I asked my teacher how it went, she said "the doctor said it was half shady.. in fact, your doctor is kind of shady too.." and then i started hysterically sobbing because I didnt want to die..
THEN last night, I had a dream that I was in the HP world in Florida, except it was really.. magical. I stayed at a haunted hotel with my mom and my brother, and my excellent magical skills kept us alive. Weird!
I'm kind of looking forward to dreaming again today.. I wonder what else my mind is capable of conjuring up.

chasing cars

Resolutions for the summer:
- stop whining and complaining
- fix my posture
- read over 25 books during the summer (so far, I read eragon, eldest, brisingr, the lovely bones, and this burns my heart)
- spend time with girls
- write letters to people whom I owe letters to
- paint more
- be a good unnie to my underclassmen, both in church and in school
- push out at least 5 solid college essays
- take 3 practice ACT exams
- study for SAT II USH and Literature
- save at least $1200
- keep my room clean
- use my camera more often
- go on a lunch date with Glenn
- go watch another sunrise
- lose 10 pounds
- eat more fruits
- download some nice music
- do daily QTs and read the bible on a regular basis
- tell people that I love them
- stop spending money on stupid things (esp. comfort foods)
- think positively
- run at least 3 times a week
- go to the beach at least 5 times (one down)
- stop fussing over silly things
- stop being so damn sensitive and OCD
- watch lots of movies and laugh a lot
- go on a crazy adventure with sue
- sophia jins spa party whooohoooo
- spend quality time with my family
- plan my boston vacation
- go on a minication with the jersey girls and sharon
- stop spending so much time on the computer
- learn how to play more songs on the piano
- go on picnics

On a side note, I had a nice long conversation with my best guy friend today. It's nice, being able to say that you have a friend who truly cares for you and who you can actually be yourself around:).

here in my life

Today was pretty nice. I ate lunch at Kyochon with my mom and jihee and her mom and met up with Lois after. Then I went home and painted birthday cards for friends! :)

and I remember how You found me
in the very same place
all my failings surely would have drowned me
still You made a way

iris

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

with everything

Dear you,
We don't even know each other too well, but you just lifted my spirits up to the heavens :). The genuineness and thoughtfulness of your written words have inspired me to pick myself out of this dump that I've been in and to really start trying again. Thank you. So much.

in my place

Nobody understands me. Even my friends and family. They try- oh they try so very hard, but in the end, nobody does. Only you do. Which I'm quite fine with you know. It just that it absolutely stinks when the poison is the cure.

the lovely bones

"Because horror on Earth is real and it is every day. It is like a flower or like the sun; it cannot be contained."

fearless

Bah! I was expecting today to be really crappy and lonesome but it was quite the opposite! Besides having a few self-realization-epiphanies during service, I enjoyed a day filled with beautiful fellowship avec mes amies. A bunch of us randomly went across the highway to buy food, then we ate it at church and bummed and ate bad tasting watermelon. After, the big group split and I went to PC bang for the first time in like 11 years with the guys. I kind of felt bad tagging along but it ended up being pretty fun AHAHHAHAHA Left 4 Dead scared the crap out of me! But it was a nice adrenaline rush. The senior (oh yuck) guys are so dorky. They make me laugh so much :). Anyways, I had a most terrible stomachache afterwards, but it was okay because I was content with everything else!

change

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It’s a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

broken

My English teacher once said that authors, when the time comes to kill a character, choose to drown the ones they love most.

dare you to move

I went on a lovely IHOP and Paris Baguette date with Sue today :). Funny how God provides people like her right when you need them. Hm.

p.s- Pandora radio is on a roll right now, its picking literally all of my favorite songs. Go listen to the Boston (by Augustana) station!

crazier

Inspa with the juniors (stephon, jun, jihoon, yongmin (ok hes not a junior but he acts like one!), eungee, doris, and linda) was better than I expected it to be :). It was nice and relaxing. And I just found out that I have no work tomorrow, which can be for the better or the worst. I'm just going to think positively and be glad that I have another day off to read and spend time with my beautiful mother!

goodbye apathy

I give up planning things. People don't have common courtesy, and they don't respect the amount of effort and time that some people put into things to make them work out. From now on I think i will refrain from investing so much into others who take everything for granted.

you found me

Today, I walked into the last day of school [late, of course] with little expectations. All I really wanted was over a 70 on my trig regents. With the exception of my seriously effed up senior schedule, I walked out with a large grin on my face because I actually did pretty well on MOST of my regents and my report card grade was over a 90 for the first time in my THHS life. I was leaving the building with Ivy, feeling chill and rather lax when I saw Ms. Nix, my infamous and renown (as quoted from The Classic) gym teacher and dean. If you haven't had a class with Ms. Nix before, you might see her as just another, 60,70-something lady. With her dark chocolate skin and marshmallow colored hair and kind of petite build, she doesn't look too intimidating. I guess, that is, if you overlook her ever so wise eyes and her muscular,fit, build. Throughout the past 3 semesters, she's been a part of my daily schedule. Having volleyball gym with her at 7 in the morning for four days a week wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but my love of the sport, as well as my desire to shed my gained weight urged me to continue taking the class during my junior year. I promise you that she is unlike any gym teacher that you've ever had. She has a way of doing everything in a manner that you find amusing- that is, after youre done wanting to kill yourself for taking the class. She never sugarcoats anything, and is as keen as a cougar when shes watching you play or exercise, but she says everything with the ever cool and collected manner of a sphinx so that you can never really get mad at her. I dont think I've ever honestly seen Ms. Nix lose her cool. Get angry, yes, chastise people, of course, but I've never seen her truly yell at someone or go insane as some other teachers often do. She's quite motivating in a really intimidating way, and is always brutally honest in all of her comments. Her regimens,

perfect

I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Yesterday at church, I was just sitting at the newcomers table writing someones card when I saw something that made me erupt with jealousy and annoyance. I put my head down on the table to try to block everything out, but before I knew it, I was overcome with a sudden rush of terrible, senseless emotion and I found tears rolling down my eyes. I dont want to go into details here, but I just felt so useless and unwanted by everyone. I guess people started noticing that I was crying because soon enough everyone started crowding around me, patting my head and caressing my back. As nice as it felt to know that people cared for me, I couldn't help but to feel disgusted. I hate that throughout these past few months, so many different people have seen me so broken, have seen me cry on numerous occasions. I don't like that people look at me and label me as someone who cries easily, someone who is so weak. But come to think about it, every show has it's own inexorable, destined end. This facade that I've been displaying to everyone around me is slowly slipping and I'm afraid that with it, I'm losing my mind as well.

pathetic

I don't understand how you live two completely separate lives and deceive everyone around you. You know I genuinely believed you changed, or that you were at least trying to, but you weren't doing shit. Just faking everything once again. You once told me that you were really good at faking things, I just didn't think that I would fall for your stupid bullshit so quickly. Ignorance really is bliss, isnt it? You, my friend, are a massive pile of made up pretty shit. What the fuck is wrong with you. Really. You are a waste of my fucking precious time. Go back to your other shitty life that you like hiding from others so much, but don't expect me to fall for your stupid bullshit again.

cannons

I am so selfish. So terribly selfish and jealous. Really, sometimes I am so disgusted with my self, I wonder how I even have friends. God is so good to us, He promises us over and over again that he will watch over us and that our lives are in His hands, but I can't even trust Him. All I do is question His antics, question His timing, and just whine and whine. Time to grow up and step it up a notch.

On a brighter note,
I got my first paycheck today, yay:)

you're not sorry

You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

the resolution

So.. I should definitely be studying for trig regents tomorrow, but I kind of gave up. I just want over an 80! It's okay, its just a stupid exam, it's not going to mean much to me in a few years.. Anyways, today was my first day of work! I got a little more acquainted with the kids and their parents, and although its kind of tiring, I think it's going to be worth it in the end, plus it'll teach me some much needed lessons that I'll be grateful for the in future. I think for the summer, I'll be working every other week, from mon-fri for five hours a day.. Not bad, at least its not every day of the entire summer :)!
Okay I should really go study now.

come clean

So.. I guess I'll start my daily journals today, since I feel like procrastinating! Today was really tiring, but it was really fun, and I can honestly say that I was pretty happy the entire day :). During small group, we had our surprise party for Andrew, and although it was rushed and kind of disorganized, I have to admit, we're pretty cute for a bunch of lost seventeen-year olds. We had a grate meeting as well, and we talked about the beach/welcoming gifts for the incoming freshmen. I guess its finally happening; we're seniors, the official upperclassmen of highschool/PYM. Ugh, in my mind, it's still such an incoherent thought, and something that I have so much trouble accepting. Only a year left until we drop everything we've built up for the past 4, 5, 6 years and start all over again.. PIF, college, adulthood.. Too much. I need more time here. Although I was/am incredibly attached to my older brothers and sisters, I was able to understand that they had to grow up and move on.. But me? My grade? It just seems too soon.. I just pray that I'll truly make the best out of this next year,and that I'll be able to truly give it all up to God, truly become His vessel..
Anyways, today was also our annual church picnic. We weren't able to reserve Cunningham Park this year, so we had to opt for Flushing Meadow Park instead. It's a decent park, but it lacks the freedom that Cunningham offers.. We were crowded within a large square sectioned off by caution tape, and I felt so restricted! No privacy whatsoever.. It's okay though, because everything worked out well in the end. At first, we had a most terrible time trying to pull everyone together to play games, and I was getting really stressed out, but thankfully, Sharon, Changmin and Moses really took matters into their own hands and somehow managed to gather everyone and separate them into groups. We accidentally made too many teams though, so Ezra and I became sister groups with Peter and Ivy's group~ Things kind of didn't work out as planned for various reasons (the cookies melted, kids kept stealing the water balloons,etc), and we ended up playing only about two to three games, but it was really quite exciting, and I laughed my gut off. I really really love the 94s. Although we're so dysfunctional and we're kind of awkward sometimes, we're a really great group of kids, and I'm so blessed to be a part of them. PYM, FOREVER! :)
Oh yeah, today was also Fathers day, hehe. But because we know that on holidays such as these, restaurants are crowded and things just get really hectic, my family decided to skip out on eating out today and decided to go eat at Mizumi tomorrow for lunch instead! EVEN SO, (as per usual) we ended up going out to KFC for dinner hehe. I can't wait till tomorrow! mmmmmm mmmmmmmm good~
Tomorrow, I start work! Pay sucks, and its in the city, but hey, work is work! I hope things turn out okay:)
I should really start studying for the trig regents :(
AND I CANT WAIT FOR THE BEACH ON SATURDAY. I HOPE IT DOESNT RAIN. PLEASE LORD PLEASE LORD PLEASE LORD <3.

trouble

Ah. Summer lures me in with the sweetest of scents :). Just two more regents exams, and I am virtually a freed woman! I cannot wait, I really hope to make the best out of the next few months. Starting from Wednesday, I'm going to try to record my entire summer through daily entries in my blogspot, yay!

offbeat

You are so annoying! :(
You're such a nice person but I don't really like it when younger kids flirt with my friends. Stop it, leave our grade alone :(

you

Okay. I am going to give this a try. Let's see how it goes.

in the middle

Dear Townsend Harris,
You know, not to be bitter or anything, but I realized today that I gave up a great number of dreams and aspirations because of you. Prior to my freshman year avec vous, I was seriously considering pursuing photography and the fine arts in the future. However, with each passing day, I found that as I grew more preoccupied with you and your ever increasing demands, I had less and less time for my other interests. I quit art school because I needed time to study, I couldn't take out my paints without feeling guilty because you know, I could've used that time to work on my collateral or finish homework assignments. My camera remained safe in her case, where at times she would remain for days, weeks, even months. I was always aware of my diminishing social/personal life, but the realization hit me today, when I was looking at some wonderful photography. I thought to myself, hey, I could do that too! But then I realized that 1. I had no time, 2. I had no time, and 3. I had no time. You know, as if that isn't bad enough, you stole away literature from me. Leisurely reading, one of my favorite pastimes that was once a simple commodity, is now something that I take for granted only over extended breaks or summer vacation. But, enough about that. I can spend ages rambling on about you and your damn neediness if you let me. I just wanted to you know, these past 3+ years better pay off in the end. Please :(~

Love always,
GEEEEENA

gravity

Have you ever momentarily fallen in love with a stranger? It is quite an interesting feeling.

untouchable

Life at the moment is very confusing. I want to cry and lie on my bed and fall asleep and wake up in a couple of months. In fact, for the past few days, I've actually willed myself to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow because I know that if I don't, too many unpleasant thoughts will overwhelm me and I won't be able to sleep at all. I don't want to think anymore. I just want to love and be loved and understand what is going on with everything in my life. I just want to know that I have a bright, welcoming future ahead of me. That is all I ask for.

I am such a crybaby.

more than life

"Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love."
Lamentations 4:32

always

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. But now you know there was a man named Jack Dawson and that he saved me... in every way that a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. He exists now... only in my memory. "
- Rose

yellow

Look at the stars,
look how they shine for you,
and everything you do.

------

For you I'd bleed myself dry.


------

Lord, please listen to my selfish prayer. It is justifiable by no means, but please, please listen.

are you a believer?

Mark, thank you for giving me faith on a day that was filled with trials and troubles . You will always be in my prayers, and I can't wait until the day when we will meet again. Stay strong!

Jar of Hearts

I guess I expected too much.

sweet and low

Just floating around, waiting for change.

long live

This vacation has been moving at the speed of light.. Even so, it's been relaxing(ish). On Friday, I skipped on the KCQ revival and went shopping with Donna and James. It was kind of stressful because I'm a terrible shopper, but it was fun nonetheless. The past few months have been geared towards Ecclesia preparation, and the rest of the weekend-wednesday night was dedicated to the retreat. Ah, words cannot explain haha. I cant believe that I've already been to seven Ecclesias.. It's insane. God just refuses to stop moving and working in His people, amazing :).

Anyways, I don't really like opening up on public places like this because I'm afraid of who'll read it, but since nobody really uses blogspot, I guess I'll share what's been going through my mind for some time now. Throughout the past six months or so, I had a troubling relationship with a close friend, and it'd been the biggest hindrance to me; schoolwise, spiritually, emotionally, even physically. To invest so much into someone and to receive a slap in the face in return.. it hurts a lot haha. There was a lot of misunderstanding, silent treatments and the like. Neither of us really took the first step in mending things though, so it looked as if we were just going to remain like this, string after string of broken and ripped threads in a once beautiful garment. It killed me, but I was too shameful, too prideful, and too hurt to just talk to them, even ignoring two perfect opportunities that God presented me with. On Sunday though, I decided that I wasn't going to bring this with me to Ecclesia, especially for the candidates, so I sat down and talked with my friend for the first time in what seemed to be ages. I was genuinely terrified of the apathetic/stoic/ambivalent response that would follow, but instead I was greeted with the warmth and compassion that only certain people in life can truly offer. Gosh, I knew they were my friend for a reason ;). So, yes, God answered my prayers, and once again, my heart was healed with His caressing hand. There are still questions that I ask myself daily, and actions that I regret, but I know that His will is perfect, and that everything that has/had/is happening and will happen is backed by His reasoning, so I fear no more~.

Like I said, I returned on Wednesday, and after a night of plentiful and much needed rest, I went to my double birthday party with Anna on Thursday :). We went to Luna Park/Coney Island Beach and although it was kind of a rip off and a lot of the rides were closed, we still had a great time of fellowship with our friends, and I had the chance to hold some really meaningful conversations with my closest friends. I brought my new INSTAX, and I actually dropped it and broke it HAHAHA whoopsies! BUT I contacted Amazon, and I'm pretty sure I'll get a replacement one. If not.. uh.. I'm going to have to buy a new one without telling my parents ;o. It's okay, yesterday was still a much needed day of fun.

Today is Good Friday, and I've been sitting here for the past few hours staring at my SAT and AP practice tests. I wonder if I'll ever get to doing them hehe. Can't wait for the Good Friday Production/Service tonight :).

la vie est pleine de nouvelles choses.

wherever you will go

You can't be everyone's saving grace.

break even

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

fix you

Stop making me cry all the time.

like an avalanche

I've been feeling so dry lately. Time to step it up a notch, get back up from this slump I've fallen into. I can't stay like this forever.


And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart

butterfly

I am getting the fuji instax 210! That is final :)! Sooo excited, I'm going to try to make the best out of it and use it to take loads of beauttttttiful photos.
I also would like to buy an Adidas Trefoil tracksuit, but Donna just told me I'd look weird in it ):
Sigh, what to do, what to do?!
I guess I'll think about it while I go study for physics hehe.

porcelain

Time is so precious. Don't waste it.

falling in

"He smiled understandingly — much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced — or seemed to face — the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just so far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey. "
- The Great Gatsby

indigo

Nothing like three hours of bowling with dear friends to start off my Saturday morning :).

brighter than sunshine

Lately, I've been filled with an overwhelming feeling of wanderlust. I've grown so sick of being cooped up in suburban New York, I need to go out and get away from everything here for a little bit. In high school, (well in mine at least), the curriculum is set up so that in the humanities department, freshman year consists mostly of ancient world history/literature, sophomore year is modern world history/literature, and junior year is american history. In AP English, we've been reading a lot of classic American literature, and a lot of the settings take place towards the South and the West. I know I shouldn't judge based on simple readings, but the homey, unsettled, almost deserted prarie lands appeal to me so much. When I'm bored, I even go as far as to do a little bit of research about the Midwest/West. I suppose to most people, the dry soil, humid weather and sparsely populated towns wouldn't garner much interest, but with all of my heart, I want to go and visit them. I would like to go to Kansas, perhaps the Carolinas, Dakotas, Iowa. I want to camp out in the vast plains, soak in the fresh air, run on the neverending grasslands, watch the stars at night. I'm so sick of being cooped up in the city. That's partially why I'm really hoping and praying to win that scholarship to go to Japan. Although it is one of the most technologically advanced places in the world, the country has managed to find a unique balance between the faced paced modern world and the old nation's traditional values and culture. If I get in, I'll probably be staying somewhere near Hiroshima, not Tokyo. I long for days when I can just sit and breathe, maybe listen to some music and take out my watercolors. Get away from everything for a little bit. I need time for myself.

all is love

ecclesia #9.
Once again, God moves.

transition

To tired to do anything other than list:
School-
ap lit essay
physics quiz
latin exam
math exam
us history exam
french exam
read "a lost lady" and answer questions
lab
do the damn physics homework for once
ushw8

Things to buy-
chocolate for seekers
top coat
tights
new tweezers
toiletries for ecclesia :)
all the beautiful goods in my shopping cart at f21
my friggen polaroid

Other things to do when I have time-
sat I, sat II us, sat II lit prep
pray
paint, please please please.
write a couple of letters
figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life

polaroid

So.. I fall to society's pressures once again hahaha this time I'm going to (hopefully) be jumping on the instant camera bandwagon. Way back in the day, I had two different polaroids, but the whereabouts of both of those cameras now remain a big blank in the back of my mind. All these beautiful images on tumblr and other websites have inspired me to save up and buy a new toy for myself :). I've already decided to buy a Fujifulm camera instead of a Polaroid because fuji is much more accessible and the film doesn't cost $3 a photo.. The question is, which camera?!


The instax mini 25 or the instax 210?! Both are relatively nice cameras, and the film costs around the same price.. $15 or so for two packs of 10 photos each. The instax is a much smaller camera, with a smaller photo. Although its cute, slightly less inexpensive and easier to carry around, I'm reluctant to buy it because a) its the camera that everyone has and b) the film is just so damn tiny. The instax 210 is a much bigger camera, and as one review says, "it isn't a one hand camera". The pictures are set in a horizontal frame, and the image comes out wider than those on the 25. However, two things bother me about this camera too. The first is that the flash is perpetual, so you can't shut it off, ever. Hahaha bummmmmmer! Also, if I were to take a photo vertically, it would come out weird, with the thicker border to the right or left of the image.. Hmmmm :(

little house

I love this place
But it's haunted without you
My tired heart
Is beating so slow

Our hearts sing less than
We wanted, we wanted
Our hearts sing 'cause
We do not know, we do not know

To light the night, to help us grow
To help us grow
It is not said, I always know

You can catch me
Don't you run, don't you run
If you live another day
In this happy little house
The fire's here to stay

To light the night, to help us grow
To help us grow
It is not said, I always know

Please don't make a fuss, it won't go away
The wonder of it all
The wonder that I made
I am here to stay

I am here to stay

by Amanda Seyfried

ocean eyes

I want to go to Long Beach
I want to go to a creperie
I want to go to the Brooklyn Bridge
I want to go to 16 Handles
I want to go to the Hall of Science
I want to go to Lake Tahoe
I want to go to an ancient bookstore
I want to go to Michaels
I want to go to Robert Moses
I want to go to Luxembourg
I want to go to the place with $40 burgers
I want to go to J.Crew
I want to go to Ecclesia
I want to go to MOMA
I want to go to Central Park
I want to go to Juniors
I want to go to Boston
I want to go to see an aurora borealis
I want to go watch a sunset
I want to go watch a sunrise
I want to go to a beautiful countryside
I want to go to panera
I want to go to Fire Island
I want to go to Williamsburg
I want to go to Ellis Island
I want to go to Canada
I want to go to Ernest Hemingway's house in Key West
I want to go to Yoho National Park
I want somebody to go to these places with me.

sitting, waiting, wishing

Whats the point in trying to move on when the past won't let you sleep at night.

peter pan

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply because they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings."

love enough

Family first.
My family means more to me than words can fathom.

slow dancing in a burning room

The new term has officially begun! Bittersweet, as expected haha. My schedule remained surprisingly unchanged, with the exception of a few classes. I actually got biomedical ethics as my elective. I put it down as my third choice after robotics and leadership (easiest classes) because I thought I would get at least one of the first two! Juniors and seniors get priority, after all -_-. Anyways, I was pretty bummed, but the teacher is Ms. Cooper, who is an absolute pleasure to be with, although she does not recognize me at all from 1st band biology first term freshman year. I also got back several of my finals today, and ughhhhhhhh. I did well on French, but I screwed up Physics and I actually under-65 failed Latin. I knew I did terribly on the latter, but I was hoping for at least a passing grade! Oh well, I guess my average will pay the consequences of my lethargic nature.

On a different note, the weather's been being a complete ass lately. The snow was pretty the first several times, but now it's just gotten to be such a hassle and inconvenience. It's a bother to shovel and it's really so hazardous to both pedestrians and drivers. Especially with the oncoming sleet/ice/snowstorm, its going to be an absolute disaster. After school today, I almost fell on my butt after every five steps. Not good. Hopefully NYC schools will be closed tomorrow. Not just for the sake of having no school, but for the overall safety and well being of everyone.

stressed stressed so stressed, i need to get away.

Mr. A-Z

Am I the only one who sees this terrible and selfish side to you? I'm starting to realize what a deceptive person you are. Sometimes you disgust the hell out of me with your chiaroscuro personality but I won't say anything for time being. Just keep in mind, karma's only an ass if you are.

here, here, and here

It's all too often nowadays that I find myself asking where in the world the time has gone.. It's already finals week, meaning that in just just a few days, I'm going to be skipping into the lovely world of second semester junior year. It seems like summer was only yesterday. Oh sweet sweet summer.
June, when I was counting down the days till the end of sophomore year, when I was so damn excited to hit up Barnes and Nobles every day and study for the SATs. July, when I actually studied by myself, when I stayed at open gym at church till late at night on Sundays and when I was left bored all too many times as my friends diligently attended prep schools.. August, when half my life was centered around Ecclesia and the other half was intent on making the best out of the few days of freedom left while secretly hoping for school to start.. September, when I promised myself that I would make the best out of junior year.. I still remember on the first day of school, I was riding the bus with a friend, and I recall telling her that I hoped junior year would go by as quickly and painlessly as possible, yet at the same time I would be willing to relive it again and again, only because after that we would only have another year left in high school.
These past six months have honestly been some of the most excruciating months of my (teenage) life, I would like to say. From trying to fix my ruined GPA to trying to maintain a somewhat existent social life with the dread of the SATs always looming over me, I haven't been in the clearest state of mind. I've let some things preside over others and let others linger for more than their welcomed stay. Without going into too much detail, I think that throughout these past three or four months, my mental state of being has been thrashed and broken more times that I can count. I've made the mistake of trusting someone with so much, only to be disappointed and let down when I realized that they apparently don't hold the value of words to the same degree as I do. Empty reassurances, empty comforts, empty promises.
I don't really know where I'm going with this post, as per usual. However, since it is the beginning of something new (insignificant as it may seem) I think I will propose some changes to myself, and try to alleviate some of these burdens from my back so that I can live properly.

castle walls

I'm taking the SATs (for the second time) in under twelve hours!! I pray that I break 2100 hahahah :o!

life lessons

Dearest friends,
We are all so terribly selfish. By the love of God, when will we ever learn to place others before ourselves?! Your constant influx of disappointment (that, of course, you never fail to list out to the public along with whiny commentary) is sure to cease if only you would look at things from a different perspective. Try to do something for someone else for a change (without bragging about it to people), maybe you will see the light.

Yours truly,
An equally terrible friend.

musings

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.

1Corinthians 1: 26-29

came to my rescue

God.. If this is going where I think it is going, then you are absolutely insane. INSANE!

ignore-moi

Fait comme s'il n'y avait jamais rien eu entre nous deux et continue ta route,
Oublie moi désormais,

Fait comme s'il ne s'était rien passé
Et accorde un laisser-passé à cette pauvre idiote qui t'aimais.

La prochaine fois que tu me vois,
Ignore moi, ignore moi.

Fait comme si tu me connaissais pas
Fait comme si j'existais pas
De grâce, ne me laisse aucun espoir.
Fait comme si tu m'avais jamais vu
Fait comme si je n'existais plus
Je préfère l'enfer au purgatoire.

La prochaine fois que tu me vois,
Ignore moi, ignore moi.

Fait comme si j'étais une étrangère,
A l'avenir je te suggère, chéri, ceci: ignore moi

La prochaine fois que tu me vois,
Ignore moi, ignore moi.

Fait sa pour moi,
La prochaine fois que tu me vois,
Ignore moi, ignore moi.

free fallin'

So today didn't end up being a snow day after all.. but it was, because I made it one! Hahaha I skipped school with my brother today because it was absolutely pointless to go to school in this horrendous weather and I knew that I would probably regret going later on anyways. It turned out to be a much needed day off. I woke up early (for once hallelujah) and began to make my flashcards for Latin when Glenn asked me to go shovel my neighbor's sidewalk with him. After an hour and a half of work, I ended up with $20 bucks in my pocket! Whoo-hoo for being paid to do manual labor instead of wasting away in school! My parents took us to eat at Harvest Buffet after, and even though the food wasn't as good as it usually is, we had a pretty filling meal. After, my mom went to go do the laundry, and the place happened to have installed a new arcade game, you know the ones where you keep putting in coins and it piles up and you get to keep whatever you push off of the tray? So Glenn and I got hooked to it, and we went from gaining a 100% profit (of $2) to losing $10 in thirty minutes. I think this was my first "official" experience with gambling and losing money. It was really really addicting, and towards the end we were both digging our pants AND jacket pockets for money to play some more. Hahah that was pretty ridiculous. Never again, I learned my lesson! I don't really recall doing much after that.. I just bummed at home and read Shakespeare and watched Jeopardy with my family. What a lovely day. Now, if only I didn't have to study for my upcoming French and Latin tests, both of which I need to ace in order to maintain my current average.. :(

hello

Blogspot! My first love, mon amour! :) I am back after leaving you for Tumblr. Wow, can you believe it, it's been over a year and a half since I last posted here. So many things have happened since then, and quite frankly I'm a little too tired to go into a lengthy story of my life since the August of 2009. Life has been okay though, not too shabby hehe. I'm going to go sing and jouer de la guitare avec mon frere, so I bid you adieu!