Senior year is slowly culminating, and I am in the midst of the weirdest roller coaster ride ever. Life is honestly pretty sweet in terms of my academic load and other petty things, but I think I'm delving a little too deep into this newfound freedom and independence. I'm starting to push away a lot of the things I grew so attached to over the years. Maybe it's a way of preparing myself for all the goodbyes that I'll have to face in the near future, I don't really know. I'm starting to grow very apathetic towards many things, which is probably why I'm able to let loose and have so much fun. I don't know where this is all going. I like it, but at the same time, I feel kind of drained and.. apathetic. I don't care anymore. Life is a neverending sea of laughter and sweat and tears, and I'm just floating amongst it's waves. Give me anything, and I'll take it at face value. I'm losing passion. It frightens me a little bit, because its one of the only things that's kept me grounded till now. Even now, I know what the problem is, but I am doing nothing to fix it. Apathetic. That's the only word I can ever say I truly feel nowadays. Apathy is me.
I hope that this is some kind of messed up part of senioritis that everyone goes through. I really hope it is.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
la la lie
So tired.. so weary.. so apathetic.. so sick of everything. I just want to go to college. I need new beginnings.
Monday, February 27, 2012
coldplay
I wanna live life, never be cruel,
I wanna live life, be good to you.
I wanna fly, never come down,
And live my life,
And have friends around.
We never change, do we?
We never learned to leave,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
I wanna live life, always be true,
I wanna live life, and be good to you,
I wanna fly, and never come down,
And I live my life, and have friends around.
We never change do we? No, no,
We never learned to bleed,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy.
O I don't have a show to say,
Yes, and I sing of a single day,
We never change do we?
We never learned to leave.
So, I wanna live life in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy,
I wanna live where the sun comes out
I wanna live life, be good to you.
I wanna fly, never come down,
And live my life,
And have friends around.
We never change, do we?
We never learned to leave,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
I wanna live life, always be true,
I wanna live life, and be good to you,
I wanna fly, and never come down,
And I live my life, and have friends around.
We never change do we? No, no,
We never learned to bleed,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy.
O I don't have a show to say,
Yes, and I sing of a single day,
We never change do we?
We never learned to leave.
So, I wanna live life in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy,
I wanna live where the sun comes out
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Ecclesia 12
Hmm.. How can I write about Ecclesia without revealing too much?
Well, first and foremost, this was my 8th and last Ecclesia. How bittersweet. Throughout the past four years, I have seen Ecclesia transform and change the lives of dozens of people. While the retreat event itself has also changed in many ways, its results are always the same- God always prevails. I walked in this Sunday with the determined "let's give it my all" mindset that seniors tend to have, and I think for the most part, all went well. I still can't believe that I won't be able to serve at another Ecclesia for a long time (maybe even ever..), and while I know that God's works can't be confined to a simple retreat, I have grown so attached to so many aspects of Ecclesia that I know I won't be able to let go of this feeling for a while. It pains me to say this, but I must keep my head up and move on. God has greater things planned for the future!!
Anyways, delving a little more into my personal experience, I think this was one of the toughest ones for me as an individual. Some of my past Ecclesias have definitely been mentally and spiritually draining, but I toiled so much physically and emotionally during this one. My particular area of service required me to do so much physical work, and don't mistake this as whining, but it did get pretty demanding at times. I developed two styes on one eye on the first night, and I was so so so afraid that it would be an obstacle to me during the retreat. For a good ten minutes, I prayed that God would heal my eyes and not let them become a hindrance to me. HE DID IT! Literally, the next day, they were gone. How do you even explain that... Anyways, I also caught a nasty cold during the second day, and my immune system has basically died since then. I'd much rather have this than the styes though, so I'll be fine!
Emotionally.. blah. I walked into this Ecclesia with a lot of bitterness towards a fellow helper, something that I should've definitely resolved before the retreat, but my particular situation calls for something more than just a simple apology, and I don't think my heart was (or is) ready for just yet. It was honestly my biggest barrier in serving, and at times, I was filled with a terrible, black anger that nobody should ever feel towards another person. Even during the sweetest moments, my eyes shed tears of sorrow for not being able to fully revel in God's joy. I won't ever know how things would've turned out if I resolved the issue before Ecclesia started, but now it is too late for that and there is no use worrying myself with the past. In all honesty, I am still very bitter and angry, and I'm just waiting on God to answer my prayers of reconciliation. We'll see where that goes.
Overall though, it was such a sweet, sweet four days, and I wouldn't take them back for the world. I grew close with so many of my brother and sisters in Christ, and it was the biggest blessing to see others being blessed. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this group of candidates and helpers.
Is that it? Mmm.. I think so. I'll keep the rest engraved in my heart :)
Well, first and foremost, this was my 8th and last Ecclesia. How bittersweet. Throughout the past four years, I have seen Ecclesia transform and change the lives of dozens of people. While the retreat event itself has also changed in many ways, its results are always the same- God always prevails. I walked in this Sunday with the determined "let's give it my all" mindset that seniors tend to have, and I think for the most part, all went well. I still can't believe that I won't be able to serve at another Ecclesia for a long time (maybe even ever..), and while I know that God's works can't be confined to a simple retreat, I have grown so attached to so many aspects of Ecclesia that I know I won't be able to let go of this feeling for a while. It pains me to say this, but I must keep my head up and move on. God has greater things planned for the future!!
Anyways, delving a little more into my personal experience, I think this was one of the toughest ones for me as an individual. Some of my past Ecclesias have definitely been mentally and spiritually draining, but I toiled so much physically and emotionally during this one. My particular area of service required me to do so much physical work, and don't mistake this as whining, but it did get pretty demanding at times. I developed two styes on one eye on the first night, and I was so so so afraid that it would be an obstacle to me during the retreat. For a good ten minutes, I prayed that God would heal my eyes and not let them become a hindrance to me. HE DID IT! Literally, the next day, they were gone. How do you even explain that... Anyways, I also caught a nasty cold during the second day, and my immune system has basically died since then. I'd much rather have this than the styes though, so I'll be fine!
Emotionally.. blah. I walked into this Ecclesia with a lot of bitterness towards a fellow helper, something that I should've definitely resolved before the retreat, but my particular situation calls for something more than just a simple apology, and I don't think my heart was (or is) ready for just yet. It was honestly my biggest barrier in serving, and at times, I was filled with a terrible, black anger that nobody should ever feel towards another person. Even during the sweetest moments, my eyes shed tears of sorrow for not being able to fully revel in God's joy. I won't ever know how things would've turned out if I resolved the issue before Ecclesia started, but now it is too late for that and there is no use worrying myself with the past. In all honesty, I am still very bitter and angry, and I'm just waiting on God to answer my prayers of reconciliation. We'll see where that goes.
Overall though, it was such a sweet, sweet four days, and I wouldn't take them back for the world. I grew close with so many of my brother and sisters in Christ, and it was the biggest blessing to see others being blessed. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this group of candidates and helpers.
Is that it? Mmm.. I think so. I'll keep the rest engraved in my heart :)
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
every teardrop is a waterfall
Today is one of those days when I want to fast forward into the future. Today I am feeling tired and sad and weary and stressed out. Today I am coming to many sad realizations and I am finding that I have no means of escaping from any of them. Today I want to move far, far away and start over. Today I am thinking that it is time for change. Today is difficult.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
awakening
Dear God,
I have struggled for so long not to fall back to this state again. From the very moment that I realized that my love for the world was starting to outweigh my love for You, I knew that I needed to fix myself soon. If I didn't, You would do it for me, just like you did last year. You love me too much to see me wasting away on the ephemeral things of the world, and my innate stubbornness always left me hanging on until the very last second. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I shed tears because I felt like the time was coming. I was slowly starting to lose sight of You, and I cried. I cried in fear, because I knew that You had the ability to strip away from me everything and anything that I loved and cared about, just to see me return into Your arms. Well, I guess I'm in that place again, Lord. My selfish, greedy, and innately naive nature has pushed me down on my knees again, in the lowest of the lows. In such a short span of time, my life has been tossed and turned, crushed and burned. I have lost so many things. My initial reaction, as usual, was bitterness and frustration. All I could do was weep and wallow in my own, despicable self pity. But funnily enough, in the midst of my sorrow, I remembered last year. Everything that happened, the entirety of the harrowing process that led me back to You. And I decided that this time, I wouldn't take so long. There's absolutely no use crying over spilled milk, right? So now, I come to you once again. My arms are high and my heart is abandoned. I have nothing left to offer you but myself. At this particular fragment in my life, I literally have nothing left that will take Your place in my heart. I am broken and empty-handed, but I am alive in Your hands. Take me as I am. I'm sorry I keep going back to the same things over and over. I'm sorry it takes me so long to learn such simple lessons. My heart breaks for all that I have lost to my selfishness, but I know that Your heart must break even more every time I turn my back to you. It's been a tough road, but I'm here now, Lord. Thank you.
I have struggled for so long not to fall back to this state again. From the very moment that I realized that my love for the world was starting to outweigh my love for You, I knew that I needed to fix myself soon. If I didn't, You would do it for me, just like you did last year. You love me too much to see me wasting away on the ephemeral things of the world, and my innate stubbornness always left me hanging on until the very last second. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I shed tears because I felt like the time was coming. I was slowly starting to lose sight of You, and I cried. I cried in fear, because I knew that You had the ability to strip away from me everything and anything that I loved and cared about, just to see me return into Your arms. Well, I guess I'm in that place again, Lord. My selfish, greedy, and innately naive nature has pushed me down on my knees again, in the lowest of the lows. In such a short span of time, my life has been tossed and turned, crushed and burned. I have lost so many things. My initial reaction, as usual, was bitterness and frustration. All I could do was weep and wallow in my own, despicable self pity. But funnily enough, in the midst of my sorrow, I remembered last year. Everything that happened, the entirety of the harrowing process that led me back to You. And I decided that this time, I wouldn't take so long. There's absolutely no use crying over spilled milk, right? So now, I come to you once again. My arms are high and my heart is abandoned. I have nothing left to offer you but myself. At this particular fragment in my life, I literally have nothing left that will take Your place in my heart. I am broken and empty-handed, but I am alive in Your hands. Take me as I am. I'm sorry I keep going back to the same things over and over. I'm sorry it takes me so long to learn such simple lessons. My heart breaks for all that I have lost to my selfishness, but I know that Your heart must break even more every time I turn my back to you. It's been a tough road, but I'm here now, Lord. Thank you.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
God is able
Life is currently in the process of chewing me to shreds and spitting me out. Nothing is quite as it should be, but I will take heart because being a baby about it isn't going to solve anything.
God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able
God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able
Saturday, January 7, 2012
almost lover
”I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them. ”
Sunday, January 1, 2012
brighter than sunshine
Ahhhhhhhhh! Where do I even start...
Christmas
T'was a nice one this year. It was on a Sunday, so we just went to church, and Ivy came over afterward. Usually, we would go to the city or to a family friend's house, but we decided to keep it low-key and peaceful this time around. Although it wasn't anything special, it was a sweet Christmas.
Retreat
Retreat 2011 was definitely an interesting one. From the very first day, God was really working inside of my mind, mentally breaking down the walls that were holding me back from Him. It was difficult, to say the least, and I shed lots of tears along the way, but the feeling of genuinely asking Him for forgiveness and returning into His arms is one that is unmatched. On the last night, there was a really impromptu worship session, and it was insane. The entire chapel was ringing with pure joy. I can only pray that God will continue to shower me with such blessings in the future. Overall, while I did struggle with things here and there, "Lights, Camera, Action!" proved to be a huge learning experience and time of beautiful fellowship with PYM/TAG.
End of 2011
To celebrate New Years Eve, the senior guys and girls decided to a kind of spontaneous hangout (ok, not that spontaneous but still) and we ended up eating at 중국집 and going to NRB for two hours after. It was really fun, actually. I was able to let loose and really enjoy myself for those few hours. Afterwards, we went to our ghetto soiree and had the countdown with the adults at the New Year's Eve service.
It would take a light year to even begin to describe what has happened in my life throughout 2011, and I regret to say not all of it has been smiles and sunshine. God has walked with me through a multitude of trials, and while there have been points where I almost fell completely off the path, I am leaving the year safe in His arms. Life still isn't perfect, and I'm still learning lots of things, but it has been a blessed year overall. 2011 put me through some of the toughest moments in my life, but I emerge victorious, because I have the Creator by my side. Our God is able! Cheers to an even better and love-filled 2012.
Christmas
T'was a nice one this year. It was on a Sunday, so we just went to church, and Ivy came over afterward. Usually, we would go to the city or to a family friend's house, but we decided to keep it low-key and peaceful this time around. Although it wasn't anything special, it was a sweet Christmas.
Retreat
Retreat 2011 was definitely an interesting one. From the very first day, God was really working inside of my mind, mentally breaking down the walls that were holding me back from Him. It was difficult, to say the least, and I shed lots of tears along the way, but the feeling of genuinely asking Him for forgiveness and returning into His arms is one that is unmatched. On the last night, there was a really impromptu worship session, and it was insane. The entire chapel was ringing with pure joy. I can only pray that God will continue to shower me with such blessings in the future. Overall, while I did struggle with things here and there, "Lights, Camera, Action!" proved to be a huge learning experience and time of beautiful fellowship with PYM/TAG.
End of 2011
To celebrate New Years Eve, the senior guys and girls decided to a kind of spontaneous hangout (ok, not that spontaneous but still) and we ended up eating at 중국집 and going to NRB for two hours after. It was really fun, actually. I was able to let loose and really enjoy myself for those few hours. Afterwards, we went to our ghetto soiree and had the countdown with the adults at the New Year's Eve service.
It would take a light year to even begin to describe what has happened in my life throughout 2011, and I regret to say not all of it has been smiles and sunshine. God has walked with me through a multitude of trials, and while there have been points where I almost fell completely off the path, I am leaving the year safe in His arms. Life still isn't perfect, and I'm still learning lots of things, but it has been a blessed year overall. 2011 put me through some of the toughest moments in my life, but I emerge victorious, because I have the Creator by my side. Our God is able! Cheers to an even better and love-filled 2012.
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