breakeven

Right now, it is exactly 12:20 am on Saturday, the 20th of August, and I think that just I have reached a new found (and much needed, damn) revelation. For almost the past 11 months, I've basically been reveling in my own misery, with occasional, fleeting bouts of happiness. Explicitly explaining my story would take a lifetime, but I can honestly say that I went through some of the most harrowing, difficult months of my life during this period. Every once in a while, I'd fall out of my pitiful stupor and try to turn things around, only to slip back into my old ways. Even as I write this, I am bitter, angry, and hurt, but I've come to realize that staying like this isn't going to help. I always tell people "theres no use crying over spilled milk", but I never seemed to follow after that saying myself. Anyways, I'm growing sick of my old routines. I'm growing sick of crying my eyes out every Friday and Sunday. I'm sick of sitting there in service, wanting to be anywhere but. I'm sick of running through a neverending slideshow of "what ifs" and other scenarios in my mind. I'm sick of being miserable like I'm paid to be that way. I'm sick of always questioning, both myself and others. I'm sick of smiling and laughing in front of others to hide my vulnerable side, to deceive them into thinking that I was fine. I need change. And starting from now, I'm going to make a promise to myself, to pick myself out of this black hole that I've been consumed in. From now on, I'm not going to let my past haunt me, I'm not going to let it destroy me. Instead, I'm going to let experience become my teacher, and I'm going to change- for the better.