crazier

Inspa with the juniors (stephon, jun, jihoon, yongmin (ok hes not a junior but he acts like one!), eungee, doris, and linda) was better than I expected it to be :). It was nice and relaxing. And I just found out that I have no work tomorrow, which can be for the better or the worst. I'm just going to think positively and be glad that I have another day off to read and spend time with my beautiful mother!

goodbye apathy

I give up planning things. People don't have common courtesy, and they don't respect the amount of effort and time that some people put into things to make them work out. From now on I think i will refrain from investing so much into others who take everything for granted.

you found me

Today, I walked into the last day of school [late, of course] with little expectations. All I really wanted was over a 70 on my trig regents. With the exception of my seriously effed up senior schedule, I walked out with a large grin on my face because I actually did pretty well on MOST of my regents and my report card grade was over a 90 for the first time in my THHS life. I was leaving the building with Ivy, feeling chill and rather lax when I saw Ms. Nix, my infamous and renown (as quoted from The Classic) gym teacher and dean. If you haven't had a class with Ms. Nix before, you might see her as just another, 60,70-something lady. With her dark chocolate skin and marshmallow colored hair and kind of petite build, she doesn't look too intimidating. I guess, that is, if you overlook her ever so wise eyes and her muscular,fit, build. Throughout the past 3 semesters, she's been a part of my daily schedule. Having volleyball gym with her at 7 in the morning for four days a week wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but my love of the sport, as well as my desire to shed my gained weight urged me to continue taking the class during my junior year. I promise you that she is unlike any gym teacher that you've ever had. She has a way of doing everything in a manner that you find amusing- that is, after youre done wanting to kill yourself for taking the class. She never sugarcoats anything, and is as keen as a cougar when shes watching you play or exercise, but she says everything with the ever cool and collected manner of a sphinx so that you can never really get mad at her. I dont think I've ever honestly seen Ms. Nix lose her cool. Get angry, yes, chastise people, of course, but I've never seen her truly yell at someone or go insane as some other teachers often do. She's quite motivating in a really intimidating way, and is always brutally honest in all of her comments. Her regimens,

perfect

I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Yesterday at church, I was just sitting at the newcomers table writing someones card when I saw something that made me erupt with jealousy and annoyance. I put my head down on the table to try to block everything out, but before I knew it, I was overcome with a sudden rush of terrible, senseless emotion and I found tears rolling down my eyes. I dont want to go into details here, but I just felt so useless and unwanted by everyone. I guess people started noticing that I was crying because soon enough everyone started crowding around me, patting my head and caressing my back. As nice as it felt to know that people cared for me, I couldn't help but to feel disgusted. I hate that throughout these past few months, so many different people have seen me so broken, have seen me cry on numerous occasions. I don't like that people look at me and label me as someone who cries easily, someone who is so weak. But come to think about it, every show has it's own inexorable, destined end. This facade that I've been displaying to everyone around me is slowly slipping and I'm afraid that with it, I'm losing my mind as well.

pathetic

I don't understand how you live two completely separate lives and deceive everyone around you. You know I genuinely believed you changed, or that you were at least trying to, but you weren't doing shit. Just faking everything once again. You once told me that you were really good at faking things, I just didn't think that I would fall for your stupid bullshit so quickly. Ignorance really is bliss, isnt it? You, my friend, are a massive pile of made up pretty shit. What the fuck is wrong with you. Really. You are a waste of my fucking precious time. Go back to your other shitty life that you like hiding from others so much, but don't expect me to fall for your stupid bullshit again.

cannons

I am so selfish. So terribly selfish and jealous. Really, sometimes I am so disgusted with my self, I wonder how I even have friends. God is so good to us, He promises us over and over again that he will watch over us and that our lives are in His hands, but I can't even trust Him. All I do is question His antics, question His timing, and just whine and whine. Time to grow up and step it up a notch.

On a brighter note,
I got my first paycheck today, yay:)

you're not sorry

You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

the resolution

So.. I should definitely be studying for trig regents tomorrow, but I kind of gave up. I just want over an 80! It's okay, its just a stupid exam, it's not going to mean much to me in a few years.. Anyways, today was my first day of work! I got a little more acquainted with the kids and their parents, and although its kind of tiring, I think it's going to be worth it in the end, plus it'll teach me some much needed lessons that I'll be grateful for the in future. I think for the summer, I'll be working every other week, from mon-fri for five hours a day.. Not bad, at least its not every day of the entire summer :)!
Okay I should really go study now.

come clean

So.. I guess I'll start my daily journals today, since I feel like procrastinating! Today was really tiring, but it was really fun, and I can honestly say that I was pretty happy the entire day :). During small group, we had our surprise party for Andrew, and although it was rushed and kind of disorganized, I have to admit, we're pretty cute for a bunch of lost seventeen-year olds. We had a grate meeting as well, and we talked about the beach/welcoming gifts for the incoming freshmen. I guess its finally happening; we're seniors, the official upperclassmen of highschool/PYM. Ugh, in my mind, it's still such an incoherent thought, and something that I have so much trouble accepting. Only a year left until we drop everything we've built up for the past 4, 5, 6 years and start all over again.. PIF, college, adulthood.. Too much. I need more time here. Although I was/am incredibly attached to my older brothers and sisters, I was able to understand that they had to grow up and move on.. But me? My grade? It just seems too soon.. I just pray that I'll truly make the best out of this next year,and that I'll be able to truly give it all up to God, truly become His vessel..
Anyways, today was also our annual church picnic. We weren't able to reserve Cunningham Park this year, so we had to opt for Flushing Meadow Park instead. It's a decent park, but it lacks the freedom that Cunningham offers.. We were crowded within a large square sectioned off by caution tape, and I felt so restricted! No privacy whatsoever.. It's okay though, because everything worked out well in the end. At first, we had a most terrible time trying to pull everyone together to play games, and I was getting really stressed out, but thankfully, Sharon, Changmin and Moses really took matters into their own hands and somehow managed to gather everyone and separate them into groups. We accidentally made too many teams though, so Ezra and I became sister groups with Peter and Ivy's group~ Things kind of didn't work out as planned for various reasons (the cookies melted, kids kept stealing the water balloons,etc), and we ended up playing only about two to three games, but it was really quite exciting, and I laughed my gut off. I really really love the 94s. Although we're so dysfunctional and we're kind of awkward sometimes, we're a really great group of kids, and I'm so blessed to be a part of them. PYM, FOREVER! :)
Oh yeah, today was also Fathers day, hehe. But because we know that on holidays such as these, restaurants are crowded and things just get really hectic, my family decided to skip out on eating out today and decided to go eat at Mizumi tomorrow for lunch instead! EVEN SO, (as per usual) we ended up going out to KFC for dinner hehe. I can't wait till tomorrow! mmmmmm mmmmmmmm good~
Tomorrow, I start work! Pay sucks, and its in the city, but hey, work is work! I hope things turn out okay:)
I should really start studying for the trig regents :(
AND I CANT WAIT FOR THE BEACH ON SATURDAY. I HOPE IT DOESNT RAIN. PLEASE LORD PLEASE LORD PLEASE LORD <3.

trouble

Ah. Summer lures me in with the sweetest of scents :). Just two more regents exams, and I am virtually a freed woman! I cannot wait, I really hope to make the best out of the next few months. Starting from Wednesday, I'm going to try to record my entire summer through daily entries in my blogspot, yay!

offbeat

You are so annoying! :(
You're such a nice person but I don't really like it when younger kids flirt with my friends. Stop it, leave our grade alone :(

you

Okay. I am going to give this a try. Let's see how it goes.