hired

One of my goals coming into my senior year was to secure a full-time position by Thanksgiving. After a really rough September and by the grace of God, I have accomplished this! I am so excited and thankful to have been offered an amazing position at an even more amazing company.

Although I am  excited to have gotten a job offer at all, I am even more thankful because this is finally my chance to leave the marketing realm. Throughout my college years, my career path has shifted and evolved multiple times. For a more general context, I started in fashion, then quickly moved into digital marketing and advertising. I realized that I needed to monetize my major, and marketing seemed like the only decent viable option.

I kept trying to tell myself that I liked marketing, but the deeper I got into it, the more I began to grow distasteful of it. Don't get me wrong- marketing is a beautiful thing that demands a level of creativity and ambition that many other industries do not. However, in the United States, the unwavering trajectory towards money has turned marketing into a rather deceptive field. It is becoming less about building meaningful connections and more about deluding consumers into thinking that a particular product is necessary to be a part of the status quo. I can ramble on about this for hours, but I was beginning to feel like just another limb of the capitalist machine.

My future position is within Product Management, which is something that kind of fell into my lap this summer. Product management is a lot more technical than marketing, and quite frankly, a lot dryer as well. I didn't think that I would like it at first, but I quickly fell in love with the connection that forms between a product and it's owners/managers. For the first time, I felt like I could foster something meaningful out of the work that I was doing. However, because PM isn't something that is regularly offered in entry-level positions, I essentially gave up after the summer and went back into a marketing mentality.

It is undeniable that God was pulling the strings behind my recruiting process. To be quite honest, I was chasing after money. I was teased into consulting and marketing at large financial/tech institutions. I knew that I wouldn't be happy, but I quickly brushed any fearful thoughts aside. When I first applied to this position, I had no idea what it would entail. It was advertised as a UX Design position, which I was in no way qualified for. However, after moving past the first rounds (where I was brtually honest about my lack of design/technical experience), I found out during the Superday that they were actually hiring for two positions - a UX Design analyst, and a Product Management one.

Long story short, I was able to secure a tailor-made position for me. I loved my interviewer, was thoroughly impressed by the company, and was even offered a salary that would allow for me to comfortably pay off my student loans and help my parents out. Quite frankly, I'm still in the middle of processing how this all happened.

The only dark cloud over this matter is that I received a surprising amount of passive backlash from my friends about this. I was excited to share my joy, as I would've expected in return when they all received offers. Unfortunately, it was made very clear that many of them would rather me not even mention to them that I had gotten an offer.

I would be lying if I said that this wasn't breaking my heart. To have an idea of a mutual respect in mind and to have it swept away is frustrating, disappointing, and even shocking. Many of those who are impassive or negative towards me aren't even aware of the circumstances that surround my position. There is a part of me that wants to just lash out and scream about all the ways that I feel, but there is another part of me that quietly accepts this fork in my life.

I don't know how to end this post because these feelings are all still brimming at the edges of myself, threatening to spill over and cascade around me in waves of confusion, hurt, and smugness. I will be back with an update soon, hopefully.

Till then, all thankfulness to the heavens for being so good in my life.

Senior Year Sentiments

One of the first things that I realized about senior year is that despite all of the stress that comes with job hunting and tying up other loose ends, I feel free. For the first time in four years, I feel liberated to make my own decisions and really, truly not give a damn about what others think.

Humans as a whole are slaves to collective thought. There is a reason why social media is so powerful and why marketing is such a lucrative field. Much of our everyday satisfaction comes from the introspective acknowledgement that we have fulfilled society's checklist of what exemplifies perfection. I, too, am to blame. But I'm starting to realize that the less I care about the judgement of others, the more comfortable and confident I feel in my own skin.

I aim to make this last year of college a memorable one, and am getting an idea of what I need to do so. This sounds funny, but one of the best things that has happened thus far this year is that I no longer feel obliged to hang out with all of my friends. I no longer feel the need to please everyone around me, and am learning to cut the toxic people out of my life. I am in no position to judge others, but instead of struggling to force friendships, I want to leave my friends to fight their own demons and find their own redemption. I truly believe that things will work out for everyone in their own time, and it's ok if my time does not necessarily align with their own time.

I am well aware of the people and things that are closest to my heart, and I want to spend this year cultivating and flourishing those relationships. I want to actively pursue God, and even in my moments of weakness, I will not let the discouragement from others get to me. I will be at peace with myself and let things fall into place the way that they were meant to be.

Temptation is everywhere. I thought I was strong, but sometimes the things I do and the thoughts I think scare me.

college

It's been over a year since I last wrote here- I want to delve into a long, winding explanation of all college has been and how it has affected me since I arrived here, but today I am coming to simply rant about something that has been on my mind for a while. You are so nice to me. You are nice to most people. Most people like you. You laugh a lot, you're always willing to make friends, and you're generally a very agreeable person. However, you are much deeper than that. We are similar in that way. We are both social butterflies. Perhaps thats why I am finding myself growing increasingly annoyed and distant from you. I think I only like you because you are so good to me. I don't even know why you like me so much. You are a nice person, but you are not a good person. You are conniving and in genuine. People who don't know you don't understand this part of you, and I think that's why I am ever more bothered by this. I wish I could slowly just wipe you away from my life but we've grown too close for that. Because of you, I'm in a lose-lose situation. I have committed wrongs as well, but honestly you are the bane of my annoyance during this spring semester. I can't wait till you go home for the summer. We're living together next year, but please don't expect me to stay the same. Things change, people change. It just took me a little while to catch on.

falling

Senior year is slowly culminating, and I am in the midst of the weirdest roller coaster ride ever. Life is honestly pretty sweet in terms of my academic load and other petty things, but I think I'm delving a little too deep into this newfound freedom and independence. I'm starting to push away a lot of the things I grew so attached to over the years. Maybe it's a way of preparing myself for all the goodbyes that I'll have to face in the near future, I don't really know. I'm starting to grow very apathetic towards many things, which is probably why I'm able to let loose and have so much fun. I don't know where this is all going. I like it, but at the same time, I feel kind of drained and.. apathetic. I don't care anymore. Life is a neverending sea of laughter and sweat and tears, and I'm just floating amongst it's waves. Give me anything, and I'll take it at face value. I'm losing passion. It frightens me a little bit, because its one of the only things that's kept me grounded till now. Even now, I know what the problem is, but I am doing nothing to fix it. Apathetic. That's the only word I can ever say I truly feel nowadays. Apathy is me.

I hope that this is some kind of messed up part of senioritis that everyone goes through. I really hope it is.

la la lie

So tired.. so weary.. so apathetic.. so sick of everything. I just want to go to college. I need new beginnings.

coldplay

I wanna live life, never be cruel,
I wanna live life, be good to you.

I wanna fly, never come down,
And live my life,
And have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learned to leave,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
I wanna live life, always be true,
I wanna live life, and be good to you,
I wanna fly, and never come down,
And I live my life, and have friends around.

We never change do we? No, no,
We never learned to bleed,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy.

O I don't have a show to say,
Yes, and I sing of a single day,
We never change do we?
We never learned to leave.

So, I wanna live life in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy,
I wanna live where the sun comes out