last resort

IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE AN EFFORT TO BE IN MY LIFE, I REFUSE TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. I am so so so so so so sick of trying to hold onto people that I genuinely like when they obviously don't share the same feelings for me. Jesus christ, I'm done wasting time on all of you and your fleeting, shallow friendships. Thanks for using me to get to know others than throwing me away when you realize that I'm of no more worth to you. BOOOOOO I have much better people out there to invest in. Your loss :(

irene

Wow..The past two days have been pretty crazy. Hurricane Irene is set to hit within the next 12 hours as a Category 1 or 2 storm, and the entire East Coast is at wit's end. Starting from yesterday, people have been taking multiple precautions- storing food and water, filling up cars with gas, even evacuating from their homes. As per usual, social networks are being flooded with (mostly) sarcastic and very descriptive remarks about Irene, mostly from young folks my age. The new channels have been blaring out nothing except for news of the hurricane, which is currently making its way through North Carolina. Up until now, I took the news lightheartedly, joking about finding shelter at church and potentially studying when the electricity was shut off, but I think going out with my parents just now made me realize the severity of the situation. The city looks like a zombie apocalypse is approaching; gas stations and supermarkets are crowded with last minute shoppers, most stores are closed, and windows everywhere are boarded up with wood and tape. The highways are near empty, and I saw a line forming at a nearby Redbox as people stocked up on movies to watch for the next night, day, whatever. It was quite a sight. Oh yeah, not to mention, the MTA shut down all subway and bus service as of 12 noon today. How crazy is that? The MTA never shuts down service. So yeah, basically, all of New York City (and the rest of the EC) is at home right now, announcing through facebook statuses that they're ready to brace Irene. I hope things turn out for the best!!

remember me

today my life begins

A brief run through on what happened throughout the past few days:

8/20/11: What a weird/crazy/amazing night:) Sleepover with grace and sharon! and kind of with esti HAHAHHA.
8/21/11: I actually skipped small group (not on purpose! i lost track of time :(..) and went out to Dunkin Donuts with Isaiah and Jun! It was the first time that I saw Isaiah since like.. December, and it was pretty fun :). We just caught up for an hour and exchanged cell phone charms. I felt really terrible when I returned to church though, because apparently loads of people noticed that I suddenly disappeared during small group time (I was at church before it started) and were asking where I was. I felt especially sorry towards Sarah teacher, but I apologized to her later on! Anyways, after service, I said goodbye to the Ecclesia bound kids, then Sharon and I went to eat suhlungtang with my parents and some other people. They went to Paris Baguette after, so I shared a patbingsoo with Sharon and she ended up coming over to my house. The funny thing is, we both knocked out on my bed for a good 30 minutes cause we were so tired from the night before. Hahahah we're cute! 8)
8/22/11: Went to work. Told my kid's parents that I was going to quit -i did it on really short notice cause I was too scared to call them- and I felt pretty bad about that too but it was okay. Having a job this summer taught me so much, and although it was kind of a pain in the butt sometimes, I don't regret one second of it, and I was at peace knowing that I was able to give my parents $800 and still have some money leftover for me to spend. Working isn't easy, but you reap what you sow! Anyways, I'm going to miss Kevin and Eugene a lot :(. I grew really attached to them during this summer, and although I won't see them after this/next week, I'm going to make sure to continue keeping the little monsters in my prayers.

--------------------------

Yesterday, I went up to visit Ecclesia with Andrew, Sharon, Danica, and Justin. The ride up there was relatively short, although we had some trouble meeting up cause THERE WAS A FREAKING EARTHQUAKE IN VIRGINIA THAT WAS FELT IN NEW YORK hahah but it all worked out in the end. We got to Ecclesia around dinner time, and as soon as I stepped into Mount Alvernia, I was overwhelmed with the sweet, sweet, nostalgia that fills me everytime I go up there for Ecclesia. Honestly, things were kind of different because I was a visitor, and it was kind of weird to just spectate and not be in the midst of all the action and work. However, I realized a little later though that it was in God's will to bring me to E11 as simply a visitor, and that my sole job during my two days was to simply pray for the candidates. I was so blessed through all that went on, and I absolutely cannot wait to serve at the next Ecclesia!!

breakeven

Right now, it is exactly 12:20 am on Saturday, the 20th of August, and I think that just I have reached a new found (and much needed, damn) revelation. For almost the past 11 months, I've basically been reveling in my own misery, with occasional, fleeting bouts of happiness. Explicitly explaining my story would take a lifetime, but I can honestly say that I went through some of the most harrowing, difficult months of my life during this period. Every once in a while, I'd fall out of my pitiful stupor and try to turn things around, only to slip back into my old ways. Even as I write this, I am bitter, angry, and hurt, but I've come to realize that staying like this isn't going to help. I always tell people "theres no use crying over spilled milk", but I never seemed to follow after that saying myself. Anyways, I'm growing sick of my old routines. I'm growing sick of crying my eyes out every Friday and Sunday. I'm sick of sitting there in service, wanting to be anywhere but. I'm sick of running through a neverending slideshow of "what ifs" and other scenarios in my mind. I'm sick of being miserable like I'm paid to be that way. I'm sick of always questioning, both myself and others. I'm sick of smiling and laughing in front of others to hide my vulnerable side, to deceive them into thinking that I was fine. I need change. And starting from now, I'm going to make a promise to myself, to pick myself out of this black hole that I've been consumed in. From now on, I'm not going to let my past haunt me, I'm not going to let it destroy me. Instead, I'm going to let experience become my teacher, and I'm going to change- for the better.

술이야

I've been trying to delete all personal details of my life from the internet (with the exception of this blog.) From now on, if you'd like to know me, please approach me personally. I'm done with faking everything and busying myself with useless facades.

music

Today I visited Jiyoon during her last lunch break at Itempool for the summer! It was nice :).

breathe

Ah.. I recently found out that I start QC classes/Humanities starting from Aug 29, on mondays-thursdays. That means that my summer basically ends in a week. I don't know what to make of it, I guess I'll just try to enjoy the next 10 days or so to the fullest.

Anyways, I've been having a pretty relaxing week. On Monday, I stayed home during the day with my mom and worked just worked on some college stuff. I was going to spend the night at home as well, but Daphne called me to come out because Grace Na was sleeping over at her house. It was a pleasant surprise, and I ended up staying out with them till around 12 :).

Yesterday was similar. I stayed home until like.. 5, when I went out to meet up with Donna, Jun, and Isaiah. We ate naengmyun at Sansoogapsan, then went to watch Crazy, Stupid Love at Multiplex. I have to say, I think it's making its way towards my list of favorite movies hehe :). After, we spontaneously decided to go to Flower NRB and spent another two hours or so there. Once again, I ended up coming home past 12, but my mom was pretty chill about it, surprisingly.

And now.. I'm just sitting at home. Thinking.

vanilla chai tea

Today was such an off day. It wasn't like one specific thing was bothering but rather a culmination of a million little stupid things. To put it shortly, I felt like a massive pile of shit. Hopefully the coming days will be better!

if

I had a beautiful time today with Sophia, Lois, Jane, Christina, and Sharon. Love them :).

black hole sun

I wish people would stop asking me why I don't smile as often now. I wish people would understand that my ever-present mask is starting to wear off, and what they are seeing is not a sad or upset Gina, but just the side of me that I chose not to publicly show.

all the right moves

Okay. So my journal thing for the vacation didnt work out UGHHHH why am I so lazy! I'm going to write a whole new picture post on that so I'll save that for.. some other time. Anyways, I should blog about what I did for the past week..

7/21-8/3: VACATION :) :)!!!!!

8/4: After resting in the morning/afternoon, I decided to go out and eat dinner with Andrew teacher and some of the guys (alex, moses and paul). Paul and I met up earlier to catch up on some stuff, then we went to go eat gyros with the rest of the crew. It was very very delicious and a night spent well indeed!!

8/5: On Friday, I went to the dentist (by myself!) then met up with Sharon and Lois to go to FNA. Although we had a great service, I ended up getting into a fight with my mom because she didnt want me to go to the beach at 4am to reserves the gazebo for beach outing the next day. I really really wanted to go and watch the sunrise but I ended up giving in and ended a good day on a bad note :(.

8/6-8/7: ALASSSSSSSSSS! The real weekend! I went to our yearly PYM beach outing, and although a lot of kids were missing, we still had a great time and I spent the majority of the day floating around in the nice water and drinking gulps of wonderful sea water. After the outing, Esther, Eileen, and Grace "scooped" us up from church and we went off on our fun adventure/sleepover. We picked up some KungFu tea then drove to a diner called Gotham City in Jersey. It was in Ridgefield, i think! Anyways, we ate a late night dinner and went to a NRB in pal park? It was a crummy place called "Yahoo" and the service and atmosphere was terrible, but it was okay cause Eileen's beautiful voice made up for it hahaha. We ended up spending a good 1.5 hours~ in there, then picked up some monster/snacks and crashed at Esther's house for the night. We got into some nice discussions and debates about the church, Christianity, college, family, and other things, all topped with the usual girl talk :). A couple of the girls didn't sleep at all but I conked out at 5 and slept for an hour before waking up to go to church. Ah. I love those girls so much. One day I will write a huge long post dedicated just to them :)!! Anyways, church was pretty good, except small group was (again) unbearable, honestly I don't even know what to say about it. But PB returned, so service went swelllllll, and his sermon on pride really dug into the kids, you could definitely tell. Our grade was supposed to go nrbing after service, but as per usual, everyone bailed and we ended up just staying in the gym and bumming. After a few hours, the guys (once again) decided to go to the pcbang. I was going to go somewhere else with Ivy, but she insisted on going so I ended up following her. On our way to main, a older van driver from church saw us and dropped us off, what a sweetheart hehe. We ate in burger king with some of the girls, then went off to pc bang. It was kind of fun, but I dont think I'll be going there too much in the future.

8/8-8/9: