awakening

Dear God,
I have struggled for so long not to fall back to this state again. From the very moment that I realized that my love for the world was starting to outweigh my love for You, I knew that I needed to fix myself soon. If I didn't, You would do it for me, just like you did last year. You love me too much to see me wasting away on the ephemeral things of the world, and my innate stubbornness always left me hanging on until the very last second. In fact, just a few weeks ago, I shed tears because I felt like the time was coming. I was slowly starting to lose sight of You, and I cried. I cried in fear, because I knew that You had the ability to strip away from me everything and anything that I loved and cared about, just to see me return into Your arms. Well, I guess I'm in that place again, Lord. My selfish, greedy, and innately naive nature has pushed me down on my knees again, in the lowest of the lows. In such a short span of time, my life has been tossed and turned, crushed and burned. I have lost so many things. My initial reaction, as usual, was bitterness and frustration. All I could do was weep and wallow in my own, despicable self pity. But funnily enough, in the midst of my sorrow, I remembered last year. Everything that happened, the entirety of the harrowing process that led me back to You. And I decided that this time, I wouldn't take so long. There's absolutely no use crying over spilled milk, right? So now, I come to you once again. My arms are high and my heart is abandoned. I have nothing left to offer you but myself. At this particular fragment in my life, I literally have nothing left that will take Your place in my heart. I am broken and empty-handed, but I am alive in Your hands. Take me as I am. I'm sorry I keep going back to the same things over and over. I'm sorry it takes me so long to learn such simple lessons. My heart breaks for all that I have lost to my selfishness, but I know that Your heart must break even more every time I turn my back to you. It's been a tough road, but I'm here now, Lord. Thank you.